The Key to His Heart by Tom Segura Lyrics
So, my wife is the coolest, actually. She’s the best.
And, uh, she— we’ve been together ten years.
And women will actually ask me, sometimes, they’ll be like,
“Ten years? That’s a pretty good run. What’s the secret? Is there a secret?”
And I want to tell you that there is.
And ladies, the key to your man’s heart is through his… taint.
Now, if you don’t know, the taint is that little strip of land between a man’s balls and his butthole. [cheers and applause]
Also known as the Devil’s Driveway. – Now… – [laughter]
Some of you are like, “I don’t want to go there. That sounds scary.”
Well, yeah. [laughter]
Your man’s perineum, that’s like the Incan ruins of his body.
And just like Machu Picchu, its a little out of the way. [laughter]
But once you get there, the rewards are oh, so glorious.
Ladies, I just gave you top secret clearance. Okay?
Um, welcome to Area 51. Yeah.
I never want to hear another woman complain, “I can’t get a guy to call me back.”
Well, take a vibrator, press it against his chode, and you will have to shut down a cell tower because that man is gonna harass you.
All right? [laughter, applause] [cheering]
Yeah. After you make him shiver. [laughter]
Don’t be an asshole and put it on high speed the first time.
You’ll send him to the emergency room.
But… Ease into it. One, two, three.
He’ll be like, all right! [laughter] [sighs]
I’m not piling on you for not doing enough, if you’re a woman.
Guys are the worst. Absolutely.
Every guy friend of mine that complains about a sex thing, it’s always the same stupid shit.
They’ll be like, “You know, like, I liked her, but she’s not slutty. She didn’t do anything slutty.”
I’m like, “Huh. You tell her what you like?”
“Unh-unh.”
I’m like, “Oh. Well, you weird silent fuck.” [laughter]
“You gotta tell her. If she likes you, she’ll do it. Gotta tell her, ‘Put on a clown suit and peg me.’ Or whatever you like.” [laughter]
I’ll tell you my favorite. I don’t give a shit.
I love the medical genre. That is my favorite.
I love those pornos where the guy goes in the doctor’s office.
He’s like, “Oh, my back hurts.”
The nurse is like, “That’s ’cause your big stupid balls are full. Get over here.” [laughter]
I love that. I love it, I told my wife, and now we have scrubs. [laughter, cheers]
Everybody likes it.
Don’t act like— whenever you— If you’re a guy and you see a nurse, you always are like…
“Maybe she’ll suck it.”
Like that. Like, you always…
Even if you see a nurse walking around, you’re like,
“Hey. What? No, I didn’t say anything. I was just…” [laughter]
“Do you? Okay, no, you don’t? Okay. No, I feel fine. Thank you.”
It’s the best.
And, uh, she— we’ve been together ten years.
And women will actually ask me, sometimes, they’ll be like,
“Ten years? That’s a pretty good run. What’s the secret? Is there a secret?”
And I want to tell you that there is.
And ladies, the key to your man’s heart is through his… taint.
Now, if you don’t know, the taint is that little strip of land between a man’s balls and his butthole. [cheers and applause]
Also known as the Devil’s Driveway. – Now… – [laughter]
Some of you are like, “I don’t want to go there. That sounds scary.”
Well, yeah. [laughter]
Your man’s perineum, that’s like the Incan ruins of his body.
And just like Machu Picchu, its a little out of the way. [laughter]
But once you get there, the rewards are oh, so glorious.
Ladies, I just gave you top secret clearance. Okay?
Um, welcome to Area 51. Yeah.
I never want to hear another woman complain, “I can’t get a guy to call me back.”
Well, take a vibrator, press it against his chode, and you will have to shut down a cell tower because that man is gonna harass you.
All right? [laughter, applause] [cheering]
Yeah. After you make him shiver. [laughter]
Don’t be an asshole and put it on high speed the first time.
You’ll send him to the emergency room.
But… Ease into it. One, two, three.
He’ll be like, all right! [laughter] [sighs]
I’m not piling on you for not doing enough, if you’re a woman.
Guys are the worst. Absolutely.
Every guy friend of mine that complains about a sex thing, it’s always the same stupid shit.
They’ll be like, “You know, like, I liked her, but she’s not slutty. She didn’t do anything slutty.”
I’m like, “Huh. You tell her what you like?”
“Unh-unh.”
I’m like, “Oh. Well, you weird silent fuck.” [laughter]
“You gotta tell her. If she likes you, she’ll do it. Gotta tell her, ‘Put on a clown suit and peg me.’ Or whatever you like.” [laughter]
I’ll tell you my favorite. I don’t give a shit.
I love the medical genre. That is my favorite.
I love those pornos where the guy goes in the doctor’s office.
He’s like, “Oh, my back hurts.”
The nurse is like, “That’s ’cause your big stupid balls are full. Get over here.” [laughter]
I love that. I love it, I told my wife, and now we have scrubs. [laughter, cheers]
Everybody likes it.
Don’t act like— whenever you— If you’re a guy and you see a nurse, you always are like…
“Maybe she’ll suck it.”
Like that. Like, you always…
Even if you see a nurse walking around, you’re like,
“Hey. What? No, I didn’t say anything. I was just…” [laughter]
“Do you? Okay, no, you don’t? Okay. No, I feel fine. Thank you.”
It’s the best.