Some People Suck by Tom Segura Lyrics
Let’s be clear about this, guys.
We’re not gonna agree on everything. Okay?
But we should agree on this.
If you bring a baby into a movie theater, you’re a piece of shit.
[crowd cheering]
Yup. If your reason for doing it is you couldn’t get a babysitter, well, then, you don’t get to go to the movies.
That’s how that works.
It happened to me in back-to-back movies, which statistically I did not think was possible.
First movie, I’m in there five minutes.
I’m watching the movie and I hear, “Waaah.”
“What?” I turn, and in the row behind me there’s a mother, a father and a baby.
Not a child, which I think is an important distinction.
It’s a baby.
I’m like, “All right, these people are insane. Um… I’ll just ignore this.”
Turn back, 30 seconds later, “Waah.”
I’m like, “Well, now I have to say something.”
Now… I’m polite. So I turn and I go,
“Excuse me, are you stabbing your baby right now?” [laughter]
“‘Cause it sounds like it.”
And the dad goes… [heavy accent] “No, I love the baby.” – You picture him, okay? – [laughter]
“I love him. Pero… no. It’s my baby.”
And I said, “Well, could you? ‘Cause I’m trying to watch this movie.” [laughter]
“And… your baby’s ruining it.”
And he was like, “No, no puedo.”
So… I get up, I go to the lobby, I see the manager of the theater and I go,
“Hey! There’s a fucking baby in there… being a baby right now.”
And the manager goes, “Some people suck.”
And he walked away.
That is the best customer service line I’ve ever heard in my life. Hands down. [cheers and applause]
You can’t even get mad!
If you’re in a restaurant, been waiting on your food, like, “Where the fuck is my food? I’ve been here half an hour!”
And the manager’s like, “Some people suck.”
You'd be like, “Oh yeah. Some people suck. I didn’t think about it. My bad. Sorry about that.”
I left. I left.
The next day, I go back to the movies. I should point out I saw a different movie.
It was also a different baby.
It’s not the same family standing out front and then they see me and they’re like,
“Oh, there he is. Let’s go inside… and ruin this for him again.”
This time I am way further into the movie.
I’m emotionally invested in this movie. I like the movie.
And then, out of nowhere, I hear, “Waah.”
This time, I swear to you, I audibly go, “Nuh-uh.” [laughter]
And now, other people get involved.
You know when you can hear somebody’s age in their voice?
Like, I can’t see shit. It’s a dark theater.
I just hear a guy go, “Either make it quiet or get it out!” [laughter]
That guy’s 140 years old! [laughter]
Like, I could hear that he’d never hugged his children.
I could hear it in his voice. – [laughter]
This time, the mother of the baby goes, “Shut up.”
And I was like, “Oh shit!” Like… – [laughter]
“We have a situation.”
And then a third person goes, “Shh.” [laughter]
What are you doing?
“Shush” is passive-aggressive.
She said, “Shut up.” Just go straight to “fuck you!”
What are you doing?
But now… I wanted to be the hero and like save the movie.
I felt a tremendous sense of injustice.
Like, all these movies are being ruined by babies, but…
I didn’t realize I was too angry in that moment to um, what is it?
Speak English words in a sentence.
You know when you get real rage, like— [barks] – Like, just… – [crowd chuckles]
“Dude…” – [barks]
Like… – [laughter] [growls]
Like, you feel it, your throat dries out, and— aah!
So I stood up in the theater with the best intentions and I went…
“Why is everybody not in the adult movie?!”
Like none of it made sense. – [laughter]
Everybody’s like, “Who’s that fucking guy? What’s his problem?”
I was… I was trying to say, “Let’s be civilized adults.”
But instead I went “adult movie.”
“Porn’s on now. Cover your baby’s eyes.” [laughter]
The next thing, I see a white T-shirt pop up and I’m like,
“Well, there’s the dad.” [laughter]
Some of you got it.
And… He looked around, like, “Who’s talking shit?”
And I was like, “I’m talking shit, bitch.”
I didn’t say it, but he knew what was up.
But then… [laughter]
I went out the exit immediately cause I’m not getting my ass kicked over The Lego Movie, so I left. [cheering]
We’re not gonna agree on everything. Okay?
But we should agree on this.
If you bring a baby into a movie theater, you’re a piece of shit.
[crowd cheering]
Yup. If your reason for doing it is you couldn’t get a babysitter, well, then, you don’t get to go to the movies.
That’s how that works.
It happened to me in back-to-back movies, which statistically I did not think was possible.
First movie, I’m in there five minutes.
I’m watching the movie and I hear, “Waaah.”
“What?” I turn, and in the row behind me there’s a mother, a father and a baby.
Not a child, which I think is an important distinction.
It’s a baby.
I’m like, “All right, these people are insane. Um… I’ll just ignore this.”
Turn back, 30 seconds later, “Waah.”
I’m like, “Well, now I have to say something.”
Now… I’m polite. So I turn and I go,
“Excuse me, are you stabbing your baby right now?” [laughter]
“‘Cause it sounds like it.”
And the dad goes… [heavy accent] “No, I love the baby.” – You picture him, okay? – [laughter]
“I love him. Pero… no. It’s my baby.”
And I said, “Well, could you? ‘Cause I’m trying to watch this movie.” [laughter]
“And… your baby’s ruining it.”
And he was like, “No, no puedo.”
So… I get up, I go to the lobby, I see the manager of the theater and I go,
“Hey! There’s a fucking baby in there… being a baby right now.”
And the manager goes, “Some people suck.”
And he walked away.
That is the best customer service line I’ve ever heard in my life. Hands down. [cheers and applause]
You can’t even get mad!
If you’re in a restaurant, been waiting on your food, like, “Where the fuck is my food? I’ve been here half an hour!”
And the manager’s like, “Some people suck.”
You'd be like, “Oh yeah. Some people suck. I didn’t think about it. My bad. Sorry about that.”
I left. I left.
The next day, I go back to the movies. I should point out I saw a different movie.
It was also a different baby.
It’s not the same family standing out front and then they see me and they’re like,
“Oh, there he is. Let’s go inside… and ruin this for him again.”
This time I am way further into the movie.
I’m emotionally invested in this movie. I like the movie.
And then, out of nowhere, I hear, “Waah.”
This time, I swear to you, I audibly go, “Nuh-uh.” [laughter]
And now, other people get involved.
You know when you can hear somebody’s age in their voice?
Like, I can’t see shit. It’s a dark theater.
I just hear a guy go, “Either make it quiet or get it out!” [laughter]
That guy’s 140 years old! [laughter]
Like, I could hear that he’d never hugged his children.
I could hear it in his voice. – [laughter]
This time, the mother of the baby goes, “Shut up.”
And I was like, “Oh shit!” Like… – [laughter]
“We have a situation.”
And then a third person goes, “Shh.” [laughter]
What are you doing?
“Shush” is passive-aggressive.
She said, “Shut up.” Just go straight to “fuck you!”
What are you doing?
But now… I wanted to be the hero and like save the movie.
I felt a tremendous sense of injustice.
Like, all these movies are being ruined by babies, but…
I didn’t realize I was too angry in that moment to um, what is it?
Speak English words in a sentence.
You know when you get real rage, like— [barks] – Like, just… – [crowd chuckles]
“Dude…” – [barks]
Like… – [laughter] [growls]
Like, you feel it, your throat dries out, and— aah!
So I stood up in the theater with the best intentions and I went…
“Why is everybody not in the adult movie?!”
Like none of it made sense. – [laughter]
Everybody’s like, “Who’s that fucking guy? What’s his problem?”
I was… I was trying to say, “Let’s be civilized adults.”
But instead I went “adult movie.”
“Porn’s on now. Cover your baby’s eyes.” [laughter]
The next thing, I see a white T-shirt pop up and I’m like,
“Well, there’s the dad.” [laughter]
Some of you got it.
And… He looked around, like, “Who’s talking shit?”
And I was like, “I’m talking shit, bitch.”
I didn’t say it, but he knew what was up.
But then… [laughter]
I went out the exit immediately cause I’m not getting my ass kicked over The Lego Movie, so I left. [cheering]