Rumors by Tom Segura Lyrics
Oh, guys. Thank you for having jobs.
Um… I’m assuming you do. I don’t fucking know.
You’re here. Maybe you robbed somebody.
But… I was just thinking about how long it’s been since I’ve had a job, and how I absolutely could not get one right now.
If I went into a place and gave them my résumé, they’d be like,
“What’s with this 13-year gap on here, man?”
And I’d be like, “What’s with all the questions, dude? Chill out.”
I mean, if I had to get a job, I think I would just go for a job where no one knows what the fuck I’m talking about, so I could just make shit up.
Because… There’s a few of those.
Like, the spokesman for an arson investigation.
Um… Arson means fire, by the way.
I’m seeing a lot of blank faces.
And… [laughter]
You can see them online.
Like, a guy comes out to a podium, and there’s a mic and there’s news people around.
There’s a burned down building behind, and he’s just like
“Hey. That shit burned down.” [laughter]
“Could you tell us a little more?”
He’s like, “What?” Totally aggravated.
“What do you wanna know?”
“How did it start?”
“It was a match.”
And they go, “How do you know?”
“We found it.” “It.” Like it’s one.
There’s other matches and he’s like, “Mm-mmm.” “This one.”
They go, “How do you know that’s the match?”
“Just complicated fire shit. You wouldn’t understand.”
Thing is, man, I miss zero part of having a day job. That’s the truth. I miss zero part.
The only part I still miss is spreading rumors and gossip about people that work there.
That’s the fucking best. It is! I remember.
Going to work sucks. That’s universal. I mean, shit!
Most of you will have it on Monday.
Fuckin’— the alarm goes off, and you go, “Motherfucker!” [laughter]
“Today’s gonna suck!” [laughter]
“But I’m gonna talk shit about Amanda when I get there.”
And then that… raises your spirit right?
You think about that in the shower.
“I’m gonna ruin Amanda’s day today.” [laughter]
“This is for you, Amanda. Aahh.”
The fucked-up thing is people making you feel badly for enjoying that.
You shouldn’t feel badly for enjoying gossip.
It’s 100 percent normal and natural to because it’s definitely an extension of childhood.
Because all of us, when we were kids, and all kids now, for a certain period of time, the worst storytellers ever, okay?
You don’t know shit about editing information, enhancing things, keeping people’s interest.
You don’t have to have a kid to know about this.
Talk to any kid. A friend's kid. A niece, a nephew.
It’s when you go to a kid, you go like, “Hey, were you outside?”
And they go, “Yeah!”
And you’re like, “Why don’t you dial that back? That was crazy. Okay?”
And then you ask one question, like, “How was that?”
And they go, “I have— When— When Jeanette came by, she— she didn’t— she brought the yellow cup that—
she didn’t want to kick the ball back, but I said, can—
‘Cause Brian’s cup is red, that if you— if you— if you don’t have it now, then you don’t have to bring the blue—
‘Cause the blue one that Jane had was with her.
I said, ‘If you don’t have it, you can— you can use mine now, but then… then next it’s my turn.'”
You go, “That was a great fucking story. Thank you.” [laughter, applause]
Je-sus! [laughter]
And then kids accidentally tell their first good story.
They don’t mean to, it’s an accident.
That’s why it leaves an impact.
‘Cause you go, “Were you at the park?”
And they go, “Yeah.”
And you go, “How was that?”
And they go, “I saw Uncle Jeff, and he had a lady sitting on his lap. But it wasn’t Aunt Maria.”
And you’re like, “What?” [laughter]
And the kid’s like, “Shit, I’ve never seen that fucking face before!” And you’re like, “That’s a good story. Go find more stories like that.” [laughter]
That’s burned into your psyche.
That’s why you go to work, you see your coworker, you’re like, “Hey, I got some juice.”
And they’re like, “Is it gonna negatively impact somebody’s life?” [chortles] “Yeah.”
And they’re like, “Fucking hook that shit up!” [cheers and applause]
I’ve spread so many fucking rumors.
My favorite part about rumors, nobody verifies shit.
Somebody says something once and you’re like,
“Cool, I’ll roll with that forever. Thanks, man.”
“Are you gonna fact check that?”
“Why? You said it out loud.
I don’t have to check anything out. It’s now a fact. So, whatever.”
It’s a seed, right? You ever a part of one that just grows?
Um… I’m assuming you do. I don’t fucking know.
You’re here. Maybe you robbed somebody.
But… I was just thinking about how long it’s been since I’ve had a job, and how I absolutely could not get one right now.
If I went into a place and gave them my résumé, they’d be like,
“What’s with this 13-year gap on here, man?”
And I’d be like, “What’s with all the questions, dude? Chill out.”
I mean, if I had to get a job, I think I would just go for a job where no one knows what the fuck I’m talking about, so I could just make shit up.
Because… There’s a few of those.
Like, the spokesman for an arson investigation.
Um… Arson means fire, by the way.
I’m seeing a lot of blank faces.
And… [laughter]
You can see them online.
Like, a guy comes out to a podium, and there’s a mic and there’s news people around.
There’s a burned down building behind, and he’s just like
“Hey. That shit burned down.” [laughter]
“Could you tell us a little more?”
He’s like, “What?” Totally aggravated.
“What do you wanna know?”
“How did it start?”
“It was a match.”
And they go, “How do you know?”
“We found it.” “It.” Like it’s one.
There’s other matches and he’s like, “Mm-mmm.” “This one.”
They go, “How do you know that’s the match?”
“Just complicated fire shit. You wouldn’t understand.”
Thing is, man, I miss zero part of having a day job. That’s the truth. I miss zero part.
The only part I still miss is spreading rumors and gossip about people that work there.
That’s the fucking best. It is! I remember.
Going to work sucks. That’s universal. I mean, shit!
Most of you will have it on Monday.
Fuckin’— the alarm goes off, and you go, “Motherfucker!” [laughter]
“Today’s gonna suck!” [laughter]
“But I’m gonna talk shit about Amanda when I get there.”
And then that… raises your spirit right?
You think about that in the shower.
“I’m gonna ruin Amanda’s day today.” [laughter]
“This is for you, Amanda. Aahh.”
The fucked-up thing is people making you feel badly for enjoying that.
You shouldn’t feel badly for enjoying gossip.
It’s 100 percent normal and natural to because it’s definitely an extension of childhood.
Because all of us, when we were kids, and all kids now, for a certain period of time, the worst storytellers ever, okay?
You don’t know shit about editing information, enhancing things, keeping people’s interest.
You don’t have to have a kid to know about this.
Talk to any kid. A friend's kid. A niece, a nephew.
It’s when you go to a kid, you go like, “Hey, were you outside?”
And they go, “Yeah!”
And you’re like, “Why don’t you dial that back? That was crazy. Okay?”
And then you ask one question, like, “How was that?”
And they go, “I have— When— When Jeanette came by, she— she didn’t— she brought the yellow cup that—
she didn’t want to kick the ball back, but I said, can—
‘Cause Brian’s cup is red, that if you— if you— if you don’t have it now, then you don’t have to bring the blue—
‘Cause the blue one that Jane had was with her.
I said, ‘If you don’t have it, you can— you can use mine now, but then… then next it’s my turn.'”
You go, “That was a great fucking story. Thank you.” [laughter, applause]
Je-sus! [laughter]
And then kids accidentally tell their first good story.
They don’t mean to, it’s an accident.
That’s why it leaves an impact.
‘Cause you go, “Were you at the park?”
And they go, “Yeah.”
And you go, “How was that?”
And they go, “I saw Uncle Jeff, and he had a lady sitting on his lap. But it wasn’t Aunt Maria.”
And you’re like, “What?” [laughter]
And the kid’s like, “Shit, I’ve never seen that fucking face before!” And you’re like, “That’s a good story. Go find more stories like that.” [laughter]
That’s burned into your psyche.
That’s why you go to work, you see your coworker, you’re like, “Hey, I got some juice.”
And they’re like, “Is it gonna negatively impact somebody’s life?” [chortles] “Yeah.”
And they’re like, “Fucking hook that shit up!” [cheers and applause]
I’ve spread so many fucking rumors.
My favorite part about rumors, nobody verifies shit.
Somebody says something once and you’re like,
“Cool, I’ll roll with that forever. Thanks, man.”
“Are you gonna fact check that?”
“Why? You said it out loud.
I don’t have to check anything out. It’s now a fact. So, whatever.”
It’s a seed, right? You ever a part of one that just grows?