Red Eye by Tom Segura Lyrics
Here’s great travel advice, okay?
Do not take the red-eye.
If you don’t know what that is, it’s amazing that you made it this far in life.
It’s when you fly overnight from the West Coast to the Eastern time zone.
Some people love that flight. And those people are sociopaths.
Because… here’s why. – [laughter]
You land and your body’s like,
“Well, it’s 3:30 in the morning. I guess we’re going to sleep.”
And then the world goes… – “Uh… nope!” – [laughter]
“6:30, dickhead! Get ready to do stuff.”
And then you cry for days.
Last one I ever went on, I boarded with my wife.
We get on, she looks at our boarding passes, she goes,
“We’re not sitting next to each other.”
And I go, “Okay.” [laughter] I don’t know.
She goes, “You don’t wanna switch seats?”
And I go, “Not really.” [laughter]
And she goes, “Why not?”
I said, “‘Cause we don’t have to.”
She goes, “What does that mean?”
I said, “Well, there’s only two people that have to sit next to each other, and they’re up front.” [laughter, applause]
“We can sit anywhere.”
She goes, “You’re gonna ask people to move.”
And I was like, “Great. Should be a real treat.”
That’s always fun, right?
“You all settled in? – Want to stand the fuck up now?” Great. – [laughter]
So… we’re both window seats. We need an aisle to move.
So I go to the guy sitting next to her, and this guy is old.
I don’t know how old, but it doesn’t look good.
He’s… he’s drooling… [grunts]
He’s got rubber where there used to be bones.
Put it this way: It’s his last flight. All right? So… – [laughter]
After this one, no más. [crowd chuckles]
So I go, “Excuse me, Gandalf. Do you think that…” [laughter]
“You could move so I can sit next to my wife?”
And he goes, “Move?”
“Mm-hmm.”
He goes, “You move.”
“Yep.” – [crowd chuckles]
“I’ll move here, and then you move there.”
And he goes, “You can’t see a meniscus… [gibberish] …I won’t be able to stretch out as much. [mumbling] I can’t stretch. I gotta sit by the aisle access and stretch it out there so it’s built up more. It’ll be seven, eight times more if I sit over there.”
And I go, “Are you reading me a fucking novel about this?” [laughter]
“Jesus, just say no! And I hope you lose your leg.”
And then I turned around.
Well, he was a dick. He was.
Was he old? Yes.
Was he disabled? Severely. [laughter]
Do not take the red-eye.
If you don’t know what that is, it’s amazing that you made it this far in life.
It’s when you fly overnight from the West Coast to the Eastern time zone.
Some people love that flight. And those people are sociopaths.
Because… here’s why. – [laughter]
You land and your body’s like,
“Well, it’s 3:30 in the morning. I guess we’re going to sleep.”
And then the world goes… – “Uh… nope!” – [laughter]
“6:30, dickhead! Get ready to do stuff.”
And then you cry for days.
Last one I ever went on, I boarded with my wife.
We get on, she looks at our boarding passes, she goes,
“We’re not sitting next to each other.”
And I go, “Okay.” [laughter] I don’t know.
She goes, “You don’t wanna switch seats?”
And I go, “Not really.” [laughter]
And she goes, “Why not?”
I said, “‘Cause we don’t have to.”
She goes, “What does that mean?”
I said, “Well, there’s only two people that have to sit next to each other, and they’re up front.” [laughter, applause]
“We can sit anywhere.”
She goes, “You’re gonna ask people to move.”
And I was like, “Great. Should be a real treat.”
That’s always fun, right?
“You all settled in? – Want to stand the fuck up now?” Great. – [laughter]
So… we’re both window seats. We need an aisle to move.
So I go to the guy sitting next to her, and this guy is old.
I don’t know how old, but it doesn’t look good.
He’s… he’s drooling… [grunts]
He’s got rubber where there used to be bones.
Put it this way: It’s his last flight. All right? So… – [laughter]
After this one, no más. [crowd chuckles]
So I go, “Excuse me, Gandalf. Do you think that…” [laughter]
“You could move so I can sit next to my wife?”
And he goes, “Move?”
“Mm-hmm.”
He goes, “You move.”
“Yep.” – [crowd chuckles]
“I’ll move here, and then you move there.”
And he goes, “You can’t see a meniscus… [gibberish] …I won’t be able to stretch out as much. [mumbling] I can’t stretch. I gotta sit by the aisle access and stretch it out there so it’s built up more. It’ll be seven, eight times more if I sit over there.”
And I go, “Are you reading me a fucking novel about this?” [laughter]
“Jesus, just say no! And I hope you lose your leg.”
And then I turned around.
Well, he was a dick. He was.
Was he old? Yes.
Was he disabled? Severely. [laughter]