One Day by Tom Segura Lyrics
Ugh. Here’s what a piece of shit I am.
I… I have been fantasizing a lot about people asking me how I lost the weight that I haven’t lost yet. [laughter]
And, like, I just have so many answers. Like, I really enjoy doing—
In my head, I’m like, “Dude, it’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle.” [laughter]
“Just gotta make smarter choices, man. I mean, drink more water. Look at me, I’ve never felt better. I have so much energy.
If I can do it, you can do it.”
And then I eat chocolate soufflé, as I have— – [imitates chewing sounds] – [laughter]
Like, “Well, next year I’ll probably be ready for this conversation.” Fucking asshole.
I don’t even want to, like, lose weight to live long or be healthy.
I don’t. I just want to be able to make fun of fat people again. [laughter]
And know for sure that they’re fatter than me.
‘Cause, like, sometimes— Now I’m like anybody, I’ll be like,
“Look at this fat fucking asshole.”
And someone’ll be like, “You’re fatter.”
And I’m like, “Oh. Really?”
And they’re like, “By a lot!” [laughter]
“You should want his body.”
And I’m like, “Ah, fuck, man.”
Since I’m gonna have a kid, I don’t want to be the fat dad.
Remember when we were in elementary school, in like fifth grade?
You’re like, “Hey, look at Billy’s fat fuckin’ dad.” [laughter] [chortles]
“Fuckin’…”
“Just fuckin’ batter him up tonight and eat him, huh, Billy’s dad?”
Just don’t want to be that guy.
I got a trainer. They gave me a trainer. That’s a better way of saying that.
I joined a gym, and they go, “Do you want a free training session?”
I was like, “Okay. What does it normally cost?”
And they’re like, “Like $900.”
I was like, “Wow, that’s a great deal. That’s awesome.” [crowd chuckles]
The first session is a bait session. It’s ridiculous.
The guy’s like, “Stand up.”
Like, “Okay.”
He’s like, “Wow, you’re a very powerful athlete.” [laughter]
“Were you pro before?”
I’m like, “Okay, yes. I think I was.”
He goes, “You look like it. Your muscle fibers look really great.”
I’m like… He’s like, “Want to do this all the time?”
I’m like, “Yeah. Absolutely. This is a good boost for me. I like this a lot.”
Second session, way different than the first session.
Second session, I’m doing burpies.
Like, you jump on the ground then you jump onto a wooden block.
I’m running through sand pushing a sled.
“And I go, is this SEAL school? What are we doing right now?” [laughter]
In the middle of this workout, my trainer goes “Stop!”
And I said, “Thank you.” [laughter]
He goes, “Know why I told you to stop?”
And I go, “Yeah, so you don’t have to give me CPR, I think.” [laughter]
And he goes, “No. The Holy Spirit.”
“What?” [laughter]
And he goes, “The Holy Spirit told me to tell you to stop.”
And I go… “What… did I sign up for? What the fuck is this?”
And he goes, “Do you believe in Jesus Christ?”
And I said, “Is He gonna make me do push-ups?” [laughter]
And that right there, he got really mad at that. Like… really upset.
He was like, “It’s not all jokes!”
“I said one thing. I can’t say one thing? All right.”
And he tells me to take the big plate, the 45-pound plate.
“Hold it over your head and run down to the pier and back.”
And the pier’s, like, three-quarters of a mile.
And I go, “Nope.” [laughter]
“Not doing that.”
He’s like, “You’re quitting? You’re quitting on me?”
And I go, “No, I’m not quitting, it’s just that… the Holy Spirit…” [laughter]
“…it talks to me, too.
And it said there’s no way I’m gonna make this run without throwing up and people laughing at me. So, I’m gonna get a peanut butter protein shake. I’m out, man.”
And I took off. I’m not doing that shit.
I… I have been fantasizing a lot about people asking me how I lost the weight that I haven’t lost yet. [laughter]
And, like, I just have so many answers. Like, I really enjoy doing—
In my head, I’m like, “Dude, it’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle.” [laughter]
“Just gotta make smarter choices, man. I mean, drink more water. Look at me, I’ve never felt better. I have so much energy.
If I can do it, you can do it.”
And then I eat chocolate soufflé, as I have— – [imitates chewing sounds] – [laughter]
Like, “Well, next year I’ll probably be ready for this conversation.” Fucking asshole.
I don’t even want to, like, lose weight to live long or be healthy.
I don’t. I just want to be able to make fun of fat people again. [laughter]
And know for sure that they’re fatter than me.
‘Cause, like, sometimes— Now I’m like anybody, I’ll be like,
“Look at this fat fucking asshole.”
And someone’ll be like, “You’re fatter.”
And I’m like, “Oh. Really?”
And they’re like, “By a lot!” [laughter]
“You should want his body.”
And I’m like, “Ah, fuck, man.”
Since I’m gonna have a kid, I don’t want to be the fat dad.
Remember when we were in elementary school, in like fifth grade?
You’re like, “Hey, look at Billy’s fat fuckin’ dad.” [laughter] [chortles]
“Fuckin’…”
“Just fuckin’ batter him up tonight and eat him, huh, Billy’s dad?”
Just don’t want to be that guy.
I got a trainer. They gave me a trainer. That’s a better way of saying that.
I joined a gym, and they go, “Do you want a free training session?”
I was like, “Okay. What does it normally cost?”
And they’re like, “Like $900.”
I was like, “Wow, that’s a great deal. That’s awesome.” [crowd chuckles]
The first session is a bait session. It’s ridiculous.
The guy’s like, “Stand up.”
Like, “Okay.”
He’s like, “Wow, you’re a very powerful athlete.” [laughter]
“Were you pro before?”
I’m like, “Okay, yes. I think I was.”
He goes, “You look like it. Your muscle fibers look really great.”
I’m like… He’s like, “Want to do this all the time?”
I’m like, “Yeah. Absolutely. This is a good boost for me. I like this a lot.”
Second session, way different than the first session.
Second session, I’m doing burpies.
Like, you jump on the ground then you jump onto a wooden block.
I’m running through sand pushing a sled.
“And I go, is this SEAL school? What are we doing right now?” [laughter]
In the middle of this workout, my trainer goes “Stop!”
And I said, “Thank you.” [laughter]
He goes, “Know why I told you to stop?”
And I go, “Yeah, so you don’t have to give me CPR, I think.” [laughter]
And he goes, “No. The Holy Spirit.”
“What?” [laughter]
And he goes, “The Holy Spirit told me to tell you to stop.”
And I go… “What… did I sign up for? What the fuck is this?”
And he goes, “Do you believe in Jesus Christ?”
And I said, “Is He gonna make me do push-ups?” [laughter]
And that right there, he got really mad at that. Like… really upset.
He was like, “It’s not all jokes!”
“I said one thing. I can’t say one thing? All right.”
And he tells me to take the big plate, the 45-pound plate.
“Hold it over your head and run down to the pier and back.”
And the pier’s, like, three-quarters of a mile.
And I go, “Nope.” [laughter]
“Not doing that.”
He’s like, “You’re quitting? You’re quitting on me?”
And I go, “No, I’m not quitting, it’s just that… the Holy Spirit…” [laughter]
“…it talks to me, too.
And it said there’s no way I’m gonna make this run without throwing up and people laughing at me. So, I’m gonna get a peanut butter protein shake. I’m out, man.”
And I took off. I’m not doing that shit.