My Dad Told Me by Tom Segura Lyrics

I remember years ago, I’m watching a movie with my dad.
In the middle of the movie, the actor, Tommy Lee Jones, appears onscreen.
Great actor. Oscar winner.
Unprompted, my dad turns to me and he goes,
“Did you know he was gay?”
And I was like, “No.”
“Yeah.” [laughter]
Now, it doesn’t matter, and I don’t care.
But I decided I would tell everyone I ever met for the rest of my life that Tommy Lee Jones is gay.
I told a lot of people.
Like, from The Fugitive through No Country for Old Men.
I told everybody. – [laughter]
Until one day I told somebody and he goes,
“No, he isn’t.”
And I was like, “Yeah, he is.”
And he goes, “How do you know that?”
And I said, “My dad told me.” [laughter]
“What? Your dad fuck him or something?” [laughter]
I was like, “I don’t think so.”
Then he goes, “I’ve known him 40 years. I know his wife and kids. I knew him when he was single. He is not gay.”
And I go, “What is happening right now?” [laughter]
And I called my dad immediately.
And I was like, “Dad! I just got confirmation that Tommy Lee Jones isn’t gay.”
And my dad goes, “Oh, I thought he was.” [laughter]
“Is that the end of your investigation? Are you fucking serious? Why did you tell me that?”
He goes, “I don’t know.”
I said, “Did somebody tell you?”
He goes, “I can’t remember.”
I said, “Have you been telling everybody for 15 years that Tommy Lee Jones is gay?”
And he goes, “Yep.”
I go, “Don’t you think we should stop?”
He goes, “Now we should.” [laughter]