Life Is Long by Tom Segura Lyrics
You guys, are you ever just tired of being alive?
Know what I mean? Like… – [crowd chuckles]
I’m not suicidal.
I just feel like I’ve done a lot and I’ve seen a lot.
And now I’m like, – “Let’s wrap this shit up. Like…” – [laughter]
Right? Like, how many fucking days are there? [laughter]
I want to skip a grade. Remember… elementary school, and you get to the first day of, whatever, third grade, and you’re like,
“Where’s Brian?”
They’re like, “He skipped.”
“Excuse me? How?”
They’re like, “He can add like a motherfucker. I don’t know. He just… – Four, eight, twelve. He gets it.” – [laughter]
And then you go, “I want to skip.”
And they’re like— [chuckling]
“Don’t even think about that. Think about other shit.”
I’d love to skip in real life.
That would be the best program, if they were like,
“If you kill it this year, you have the best year, at the end of the year, a magical fairy or government official will come to your house… and they go,
‘You crushed it this year.'” – And you’re like, “I know.” – [crowd chuckles]
Then they’re like, “Now you can skip as many years as you want.” I’d be like, “What the fuck?! Really?”
“Mm-hmm. How many do you want to skip?” “Thirty?”
Just land at retirement.
I don’t wanna live much longer than that anyways.
Seventy. Maybe 71. You know?
Seventy so I can be “officially old” and experience old guy stuff, like people talking to me like I’m a pet, and, um… [laughter]
You ever see that? When they’re like, “Hey, hey. How you doing?
You’re so good. Would you like me to get you anything?”
Like, “Yeah. Put some water in my bowl. What the fuck is this shit?”
Like… [laughter]
But I don’t want to live much longer than that.
I mean, I hear people in conversation go,
“I want to live to be a hundred.”
Really? Have you seen 80?
I mean, my dad has a friend that’s 87.
He looks like a goblin. Okay? – [laughter]
He is terrifying to look at. And he knows it.
He’s like, “I’m coming around the corner. Don’t look at me.”
He knows it. – [laughter]
It’s scary.
Here’s how much it sucks to be that old.
When he was 84, he stopped taking his heart medication.
And I go, “Why did you do that?”
And he goes, “I don’t want to be here.” [laughter]
If you see him now, you’re like, “How you doing?”
“Unfortunately, alive.” – [laughter]
“But He won’t take me.” [laughter]
The only thing I have going for me with that old stuff is that I will be the best old guy.
I already know it. Like, I have their personality.
I’m anti-social as shit. I don’t want to do anything.
Like… whenever anybody says to me,
“Hey, man. Do you wanna go check out the—”
I go, “No to the rest of your sentence.
Whatever it is, I don’t want to do it.”
I don’t want to meet new people.
Not one more, as long as I live, for the rest of my life.
That’s the same as old people. Try it if you want.
Be like, “Hey, Grandpa! I want you to meet Steve.”
And he’ll go, “Fuck Steve.” [laughter]
“I know everybody I need to know. Gonna watch my shows.” [blows raspberry] [laughter]
Know what I really want? I want to be that old
I don’t know if it’s an age, it’s just a way of being old.
There’s a certain level of old where you get yelled at for trying to be helpful.
That looks awesome. Know what I mean?
When an old guy’s like, “I’m gonna take out the trash.”
And someone’s like, “Are you out of your fucking mind?
Your spine’ll snap. Sit down!”
“Okay.” – [laughter]
“I tried. I’m sorry.” [laughter]
That looks amazing.
I really want that old guy confidence that I see…
in the locker room.
Yeah. That’s another thing. [laughter]
Dude. Another thing I’ve noticed since joining the gym,
There’s two types of guys:
Guys that are 65 and older
And then guys that cover their dicks.
Because old guys… do not. It’s crazy!
The first few days, I thought it was peacocking.
Like showing off, you know?
‘Cause I saw some fucking hammers where you walk in and you’re like, “Whoa, yeah!” [laughter]
“I wouldn’t wear pants either. Nice work, pal.” [laughter]
But then, like the third day, I saw a guy, he had just like the cutest little thing. [laughter]
And he was just like all on the— He was like,
“Oil prices are crazy right now.” [laughter]
I’m like, “Dude, you have a little grain of rice. You don’t give a shit?”
He didn’t. He didn’t care.
I want that confidence. I don’t even know how it’s attainable.
Like, if I know anyone’s gonna see it, I’m gonna… you know? [laughter]
Give it a smack. [laughter]
And then you go, “Huh. There’s an inch.” [laughter]
Let’s not act like I’m the only self-fluff er in the room, okay?
Dude. Ladies, if you’ve ever received a dick-pic before, um, here’s some secret intel: That’s not the first shot. [laughter]
Pretty much goes like this:
Click. – “Fuck that.”
And then… – [laughter] “Oh, yeah, that’s me. That’s all me right there. That’s me.”
God, sweating my fucking balls off. Like a preacher. Amen?
Know what I mean? Like… – [crowd chuckles]
I’m not suicidal.
I just feel like I’ve done a lot and I’ve seen a lot.
And now I’m like, – “Let’s wrap this shit up. Like…” – [laughter]
Right? Like, how many fucking days are there? [laughter]
I want to skip a grade. Remember… elementary school, and you get to the first day of, whatever, third grade, and you’re like,
“Where’s Brian?”
They’re like, “He skipped.”
“Excuse me? How?”
They’re like, “He can add like a motherfucker. I don’t know. He just… – Four, eight, twelve. He gets it.” – [laughter]
And then you go, “I want to skip.”
And they’re like— [chuckling]
“Don’t even think about that. Think about other shit.”
I’d love to skip in real life.
That would be the best program, if they were like,
“If you kill it this year, you have the best year, at the end of the year, a magical fairy or government official will come to your house… and they go,
‘You crushed it this year.'” – And you’re like, “I know.” – [crowd chuckles]
Then they’re like, “Now you can skip as many years as you want.” I’d be like, “What the fuck?! Really?”
“Mm-hmm. How many do you want to skip?” “Thirty?”
Just land at retirement.
I don’t wanna live much longer than that anyways.
Seventy. Maybe 71. You know?
Seventy so I can be “officially old” and experience old guy stuff, like people talking to me like I’m a pet, and, um… [laughter]
You ever see that? When they’re like, “Hey, hey. How you doing?
You’re so good. Would you like me to get you anything?”
Like, “Yeah. Put some water in my bowl. What the fuck is this shit?”
Like… [laughter]
But I don’t want to live much longer than that.
I mean, I hear people in conversation go,
“I want to live to be a hundred.”
Really? Have you seen 80?
I mean, my dad has a friend that’s 87.
He looks like a goblin. Okay? – [laughter]
He is terrifying to look at. And he knows it.
He’s like, “I’m coming around the corner. Don’t look at me.”
He knows it. – [laughter]
It’s scary.
Here’s how much it sucks to be that old.
When he was 84, he stopped taking his heart medication.
And I go, “Why did you do that?”
And he goes, “I don’t want to be here.” [laughter]
If you see him now, you’re like, “How you doing?”
“Unfortunately, alive.” – [laughter]
“But He won’t take me.” [laughter]
The only thing I have going for me with that old stuff is that I will be the best old guy.
I already know it. Like, I have their personality.
I’m anti-social as shit. I don’t want to do anything.
Like… whenever anybody says to me,
“Hey, man. Do you wanna go check out the—”
I go, “No to the rest of your sentence.
Whatever it is, I don’t want to do it.”
I don’t want to meet new people.
Not one more, as long as I live, for the rest of my life.
That’s the same as old people. Try it if you want.
Be like, “Hey, Grandpa! I want you to meet Steve.”
And he’ll go, “Fuck Steve.” [laughter]
“I know everybody I need to know. Gonna watch my shows.” [blows raspberry] [laughter]
Know what I really want? I want to be that old
I don’t know if it’s an age, it’s just a way of being old.
There’s a certain level of old where you get yelled at for trying to be helpful.
That looks awesome. Know what I mean?
When an old guy’s like, “I’m gonna take out the trash.”
And someone’s like, “Are you out of your fucking mind?
Your spine’ll snap. Sit down!”
“Okay.” – [laughter]
“I tried. I’m sorry.” [laughter]
That looks amazing.
I really want that old guy confidence that I see…
in the locker room.
Yeah. That’s another thing. [laughter]
Dude. Another thing I’ve noticed since joining the gym,
There’s two types of guys:
Guys that are 65 and older
And then guys that cover their dicks.
Because old guys… do not. It’s crazy!
The first few days, I thought it was peacocking.
Like showing off, you know?
‘Cause I saw some fucking hammers where you walk in and you’re like, “Whoa, yeah!” [laughter]
“I wouldn’t wear pants either. Nice work, pal.” [laughter]
But then, like the third day, I saw a guy, he had just like the cutest little thing. [laughter]
And he was just like all on the— He was like,
“Oil prices are crazy right now.” [laughter]
I’m like, “Dude, you have a little grain of rice. You don’t give a shit?”
He didn’t. He didn’t care.
I want that confidence. I don’t even know how it’s attainable.
Like, if I know anyone’s gonna see it, I’m gonna… you know? [laughter]
Give it a smack. [laughter]
And then you go, “Huh. There’s an inch.” [laughter]
Let’s not act like I’m the only self-fluff er in the room, okay?
Dude. Ladies, if you’ve ever received a dick-pic before, um, here’s some secret intel: That’s not the first shot. [laughter]
Pretty much goes like this:
Click. – “Fuck that.”
And then… – [laughter] “Oh, yeah, that’s me. That’s all me right there. That’s me.”
God, sweating my fucking balls off. Like a preacher. Amen?