Leave It In by Tom Segura Lyrics
Speaking of dads, I’m gonna be a dad. Isn’t that crazy? [crowd cheers]
I know. Well… You know, not my fucking problem.
You know what I mean? Um…
That’s your kid. So… No, I’m gonna stick around.
I wanna see what it looks and stuff.
Just for a second. But… So crazy, man.
All I did was, I didn’t pull out.
And then… Now I’m gonna be a dad.
So nuts. Isn’t that crazy?
As a man, all you do is you dump inside of a girl and then… there’s life?
That’s a pretty crude way of putting that. I’m sorry.
But… that’s what happens. Let’s just talk about how good that feels.
I… Dude, I’ve been pulling out for years.
And no comp— No orgasm— You don’t have an org— and you’re like, “Oh, that sucks.”
Like, it’s still— It feels great.
But when you leave it in? Dude.
Here’s all I’m saying. If you’re a pull-out guy, next time?
Don’t.
Even if she tells you to. Be like, “I forgot.”
And she’ll whine about it. [whines]
“What if I’m pregnant? My career!”
And you’ll be like, “Is law school on hold?
All right. Pretty sure you can cut hair with a gut.”
Guys! I’m joking. I’m joking.
Joke. – I’m not joking.
But… God, it feels so good! I can’t even—
I can’t even describe how much better it feels.
The best I’ve come up with is, remember when you were a kid
And the first time you tried something with melted cheese,
And you were like, “What the fuck? This is the same thing?”
And they’re like, “Same shit.”
And you’re like, “This is amazing! I can have this whenever I want?” “Mm-hm. Whenever you want.
Just eight, ten seconds and it’s your world, man.”
You’re like, “Oh, my God!” – It’s like that, but down here.
Feels so good. Ohh.
I know. Well… You know, not my fucking problem.
You know what I mean? Um…
That’s your kid. So… No, I’m gonna stick around.
I wanna see what it looks and stuff.
Just for a second. But… So crazy, man.
All I did was, I didn’t pull out.
And then… Now I’m gonna be a dad.
So nuts. Isn’t that crazy?
As a man, all you do is you dump inside of a girl and then… there’s life?
That’s a pretty crude way of putting that. I’m sorry.
But… that’s what happens. Let’s just talk about how good that feels.
I… Dude, I’ve been pulling out for years.
And no comp— No orgasm— You don’t have an org— and you’re like, “Oh, that sucks.”
Like, it’s still— It feels great.
But when you leave it in? Dude.
Here’s all I’m saying. If you’re a pull-out guy, next time?
Don’t.
Even if she tells you to. Be like, “I forgot.”
And she’ll whine about it. [whines]
“What if I’m pregnant? My career!”
And you’ll be like, “Is law school on hold?
All right. Pretty sure you can cut hair with a gut.”
Guys! I’m joking. I’m joking.
Joke. – I’m not joking.
But… God, it feels so good! I can’t even—
I can’t even describe how much better it feels.
The best I’ve come up with is, remember when you were a kid
And the first time you tried something with melted cheese,
And you were like, “What the fuck? This is the same thing?”
And they’re like, “Same shit.”
And you’re like, “This is amazing! I can have this whenever I want?” “Mm-hm. Whenever you want.
Just eight, ten seconds and it’s your world, man.”
You’re like, “Oh, my God!” – It’s like that, but down here.
Feels so good. Ohh.