God Is Watching by Tom Segura Lyrics

I’m not making fun of you if you’re religious. I think that’s great.
Any faith. Christian, Muslim, Jew, what—
If you’re a Scientologist, you can go fuck yourself.
But… – [crowd cheers] – Yeah.
Because it’s not old. It’s gotta be old. [crowd chuckles]
It’s fair to say there’s some times I don’t want to hear about it.
You know? Like working out? Um… Getting high. That’s a bummer.
Right? Like, when there’s pills and cash and tits out and…
Someone’s like, “Have you thought about accepting the Lord into your life?”
And you’re like, “I’m trying to make bad decisions. Why are you doing this to me?”
That and pre-sex. That is the worst.
During sex, as-salamu alaykum. – Anything goes. But…
[laughter]
Pre-sex? Like, right before, and the girl’s like,
“Oh! What if God’s watching us?”
And you’re like, “What?!” [laughter]
“‘What if God is watching us?’
Of course He’s watching us!
He sees everything and this is hands-down His favorite shit!” [laughter] [crowd cheering]
Yeah. “Quit being a baby, put another knuckle in there and let’s give Him a show!” [laughter] [chuckles] [laughter]
Digit play, it’s fun. Get into it. But…