Exactly by Tom Segura Lyrics
I feel like… the worst part, honestly, of traveling in our country is that there’s no surprises.
I swear to you, I travel every week, and it’s really a disappointment.
Every place is exactly what I thought it was going to be.
You know? I can prove it to you.
Picture a place you’ve never been to in this country. Picture it.
That’s exactly how it is. [laughter]
What are the people like, you wonder?
What do you think they’re like? That’s right. [laughter]
It’s— I swear to you! Go to San Francisco.
They’re like, “Ah, we’re offended.”
And you’re like, “Yep.” [laughter] “I know.”
Texas? I don’t think the people of Texas necessarily want to execute retarded people.
But I think they’re like,
“You know what? This is Texas. So… whoo!” [laughter]
“That’s how we do it around here, brother.
A little boot scoot boop! See you later, dumdum. All right.” [laughter]
They’ve done it multiple times! They keep doing it.
“I’m sowwy.”
“Yeah, me too.” [laughter]
Crazy.
The Midwest? I mean, don’t you feel like we could draw a circle around the Midwest and be like, – “Do we need this?” – [laughter]
Except for wherever you’re from. That place is fucking awesome.
The Northeast, shady fucking people in shady cities.
That’s all they are. Just shady. Just fucking all those places.
Jersey, Philly, Balti— they’re all… – [chortles] – [laughter]
“How you doing?”
“Not now, thank you very much.” [laughter]
“Can I help you with something?”
“Nope. Never in my life.”
The one quality I do love about Northeastern people, though, you could be in an argument with them and be like,
“You’re a fucking asshole.” And they’re like, “Thank you.” [laughter] “My dad’s an asshole, and so am I. It’s kind of a thing.”
I swear to you, I travel every week, and it’s really a disappointment.
Every place is exactly what I thought it was going to be.
You know? I can prove it to you.
Picture a place you’ve never been to in this country. Picture it.
That’s exactly how it is. [laughter]
What are the people like, you wonder?
What do you think they’re like? That’s right. [laughter]
It’s— I swear to you! Go to San Francisco.
They’re like, “Ah, we’re offended.”
And you’re like, “Yep.” [laughter] “I know.”
Texas? I don’t think the people of Texas necessarily want to execute retarded people.
But I think they’re like,
“You know what? This is Texas. So… whoo!” [laughter]
“That’s how we do it around here, brother.
A little boot scoot boop! See you later, dumdum. All right.” [laughter]
They’ve done it multiple times! They keep doing it.
“I’m sowwy.”
“Yeah, me too.” [laughter]
Crazy.
The Midwest? I mean, don’t you feel like we could draw a circle around the Midwest and be like, – “Do we need this?” – [laughter]
Except for wherever you’re from. That place is fucking awesome.
The Northeast, shady fucking people in shady cities.
That’s all they are. Just shady. Just fucking all those places.
Jersey, Philly, Balti— they’re all… – [chortles] – [laughter]
“How you doing?”
“Not now, thank you very much.” [laughter]
“Can I help you with something?”
“Nope. Never in my life.”
The one quality I do love about Northeastern people, though, you could be in an argument with them and be like,
“You’re a fucking asshole.” And they’re like, “Thank you.” [laughter] “My dad’s an asshole, and so am I. It’s kind of a thing.”