Every Race by Tom Segura Lyrics
Let me ask you this.
If you’re white, aren’t you a little tired of being blamed for every racial injustice?
Like, doesn’t part of you… – [man] Yeah! [blows raspberry] [laughter]
Yeah, yeah. No, that’s good. So… [laughter]
People are like, “What the fuck?”
No! That’s what I’m saying!
Like… Don’t you kinda want to tell, like, the other people,
“Why doesn’t your group get their shit together, and then you can ascend to the top and then you can oppress other people.” [mixed laughter]
Not as many claps on that one.
Well, uh… [laughter, applause]
Oops. [crowd chuckles]
Here’s all I’m saying. Okay?
Every race is racist. Okay?
We’re the best at it, but every race is racist.
Who’s super racist? Asians. Right?
Yeah, you guys are… You’re nodding.
Like, “You know goddamn right I am. Of course.”
You don’t know about it?
There’s a hierarchy to the whole thing.
Here’s how it works.
Japanese, they’re number one, which is weird ’cause their genitals are blurry.
But they’re number one. Right? – [laughter]
Then… [crowd cheering]
Chinese and Koreans are right there. And everybody else who’s, like, tan, like… [laughter]
Vietnamese and Filipino, they’re like— [spits] “Fuck you!” [laughter]
True or not? Yeah.
Don’t you feel better about everything right now?
Like… What’s your ethnic background?
You’re Chinese? That’s number two. That’s almost at the top.
That’s great. That’s gotta feel good, right?
Who did you, like— Who did your parents talk the most shit about, growing up?
Wait. Were you raised in an Asian household, or are you one of those,
“That’s cute, lets get one of those”? [laughter]
‘Cause that’s a legit question.
Asian? So who’d your parents talk the most shit about growing up, racially? – Be honest. Huh? –
[man] Japanese.
Japanese! Fuckin’… All right, so… – [laughter]
Do you hate Japanese people? No? They fucking hate you. A lot. [laughter]
You know they do.
Uh… What do your parents say about them?
What’s the shit that they talk?
[man] They wanted me to marry one.
They wanted you to marry one?
[man continues indistinctly]
They wanted her to do whatever you want.
Are your parents Saudi or…? – [laughter]
Can I get this fucking straight for a second?
Your parents were like,
“We want our beautiful Chinese boy to marry a Japanese girl so that ‘she’ll do whatever you want'”? – Meaning they’re submissive? [man] Yes.
Yeah. All right. So who’s this fucking lady sitting next to you? What’s she all about? Hey! Don’t fucking answer. It’s his world. –
What is— What is, uh… – [roaring laughter]
Ask him if you can answer. [laughter]
She’s Chinese? Damn! [laughter]
Do you know— [laughs]
Do you know how I found out about Asian racism?
This is how I found out about it. I had no idea.
I’m shooting a commercial in L.A., and they fly in a Japanese director, okay?
– Uhhh. Grunts, everything. So… – [laughter]
Yeah. So I was like, “Do you have indigestion?”
He was, “Uhh. No.”
We’re shooting the commercial, and between takes, there’s a Filipino production assistant.
So, he come up and talks to us and he walks away.
And when he walks away, I see the Japanese director give him a very dismissive look, like…
And I go, “Hey! I saw that, with my eyes. What was that all about?”
I go, “You don’t like him?”
And he goes…
And I go, “Why not?”
And he goes… [laughter]
Did you catch it? It was really fast. [laughter]
He basically said, “I don’t like him ’cause I don’t like his skin color.”
And he did it with this little gesture.
And I was like, “Holy shit! That’s fucking brilliant. How did I not think of that?”
You don’t have to worry about people hearing you and getting hit. Just make a little thing and move it along.
Like… [laughter]
Don’t act like you’re not gonna use that five fucking times this week. [applause]
When you’re in your favorite restaurant and “they” come in, you’re like… [laughter]
“Let’s take it to go. Thanks a lot.” [laughter]
If you’re white, aren’t you a little tired of being blamed for every racial injustice?
Like, doesn’t part of you… – [man] Yeah! [blows raspberry] [laughter]
Yeah, yeah. No, that’s good. So… [laughter]
People are like, “What the fuck?”
No! That’s what I’m saying!
Like… Don’t you kinda want to tell, like, the other people,
“Why doesn’t your group get their shit together, and then you can ascend to the top and then you can oppress other people.” [mixed laughter]
Not as many claps on that one.
Well, uh… [laughter, applause]
Oops. [crowd chuckles]
Here’s all I’m saying. Okay?
Every race is racist. Okay?
We’re the best at it, but every race is racist.
Who’s super racist? Asians. Right?
Yeah, you guys are… You’re nodding.
Like, “You know goddamn right I am. Of course.”
You don’t know about it?
There’s a hierarchy to the whole thing.
Here’s how it works.
Japanese, they’re number one, which is weird ’cause their genitals are blurry.
But they’re number one. Right? – [laughter]
Then… [crowd cheering]
Chinese and Koreans are right there. And everybody else who’s, like, tan, like… [laughter]
Vietnamese and Filipino, they’re like— [spits] “Fuck you!” [laughter]
True or not? Yeah.
Don’t you feel better about everything right now?
Like… What’s your ethnic background?
You’re Chinese? That’s number two. That’s almost at the top.
That’s great. That’s gotta feel good, right?
Who did you, like— Who did your parents talk the most shit about, growing up?
Wait. Were you raised in an Asian household, or are you one of those,
“That’s cute, lets get one of those”? [laughter]
‘Cause that’s a legit question.
Asian? So who’d your parents talk the most shit about growing up, racially? – Be honest. Huh? –
[man] Japanese.
Japanese! Fuckin’… All right, so… – [laughter]
Do you hate Japanese people? No? They fucking hate you. A lot. [laughter]
You know they do.
Uh… What do your parents say about them?
What’s the shit that they talk?
[man] They wanted me to marry one.
They wanted you to marry one?
[man continues indistinctly]
They wanted her to do whatever you want.
Are your parents Saudi or…? – [laughter]
Can I get this fucking straight for a second?
Your parents were like,
“We want our beautiful Chinese boy to marry a Japanese girl so that ‘she’ll do whatever you want'”? – Meaning they’re submissive? [man] Yes.
Yeah. All right. So who’s this fucking lady sitting next to you? What’s she all about? Hey! Don’t fucking answer. It’s his world. –
What is— What is, uh… – [roaring laughter]
Ask him if you can answer. [laughter]
She’s Chinese? Damn! [laughter]
Do you know— [laughs]
Do you know how I found out about Asian racism?
This is how I found out about it. I had no idea.
I’m shooting a commercial in L.A., and they fly in a Japanese director, okay?
– Uhhh. Grunts, everything. So… – [laughter]
Yeah. So I was like, “Do you have indigestion?”
He was, “Uhh. No.”
We’re shooting the commercial, and between takes, there’s a Filipino production assistant.
So, he come up and talks to us and he walks away.
And when he walks away, I see the Japanese director give him a very dismissive look, like…
And I go, “Hey! I saw that, with my eyes. What was that all about?”
I go, “You don’t like him?”
And he goes…
And I go, “Why not?”
And he goes… [laughter]
Did you catch it? It was really fast. [laughter]
He basically said, “I don’t like him ’cause I don’t like his skin color.”
And he did it with this little gesture.
And I was like, “Holy shit! That’s fucking brilliant. How did I not think of that?”
You don’t have to worry about people hearing you and getting hit. Just make a little thing and move it along.
Like… [laughter]
Don’t act like you’re not gonna use that five fucking times this week. [applause]
When you’re in your favorite restaurant and “they” come in, you’re like… [laughter]
“Let’s take it to go. Thanks a lot.” [laughter]