Emergency by Tom Segura Lyrics
So… Midnight on this flight, the lights come on.
And that’s too early, right?
That’s too early for the red-eye. I panic.
I think we’re dying. So… I see the attendant, I go,
“Hey, what the fuck’s happening?”
She goes, “There’s a medical emergency in the back. Are you a doctor?”
And I go, “Look at me.” [laughter]
“You think I’m a doctor?”
And she goes, “Are any of you?”
And we go, “No.”
I said, “I think we just established that none of us are doctors.
How about you kill those lights so we can go back to sleep?” [laughter]
And she goes, “Well, he needs help.”
And I go, “Well, we’re not doctors. We could stand around him for a while, If you think that’ll help.”
“Yeah, he’s fucked up.” [laughter]
“Huh? Comedian.” [laughter]
“Mostly stories. Hang in there.”
I don’t fucking know.
So… half an hour later, lights are still on, and I go,
“What are we doing?”
And she goes, “I think we’re gonna divert.”
And I go, “Divert? Does that mean we’re gonna dump fuel?”
Have you ever asked somebody something so profoundly stupid to them that they have to physically regroup before they answer your question? [laughter]
Like, she went to answer, and then she went, “Huh.” [laughter]
Like her brain was like, control-alt-delete, rebooted… [laughter]
And she goes, “Divert doesn’t mean dump fuel, you dumb shit.”
And I was like, “I know, I was just playing. Gah.” [laughter]
She said, “We’re gonna land at the nearest airport.
We’ll get him off and we’ll get him help. Then we’ll continue.”
And I go, “You gotta be shitting me.”
And she goes, “No.”
And I said, “Well, what if he’s dead?”
And she goes, “What?”
And I go, “If he’s dead…” – [laughter]
“We’re not just gonna land to drop off some luggage, right? We’re gonna keep going.”
And she goes, “I guess so.” [laughter]
And I said, “Well, in that case, I am a doctor.” [laughter]
“And I’m gonna need a pillow. Stat.” [laughter] [cheers and applause]
And then, I fucking killed a guy. On a plane. [laughter]
It was the most fun I’ve ever had in my life.
And that’s too early, right?
That’s too early for the red-eye. I panic.
I think we’re dying. So… I see the attendant, I go,
“Hey, what the fuck’s happening?”
She goes, “There’s a medical emergency in the back. Are you a doctor?”
And I go, “Look at me.” [laughter]
“You think I’m a doctor?”
And she goes, “Are any of you?”
And we go, “No.”
I said, “I think we just established that none of us are doctors.
How about you kill those lights so we can go back to sleep?” [laughter]
And she goes, “Well, he needs help.”
And I go, “Well, we’re not doctors. We could stand around him for a while, If you think that’ll help.”
“Yeah, he’s fucked up.” [laughter]
“Huh? Comedian.” [laughter]
“Mostly stories. Hang in there.”
I don’t fucking know.
So… half an hour later, lights are still on, and I go,
“What are we doing?”
And she goes, “I think we’re gonna divert.”
And I go, “Divert? Does that mean we’re gonna dump fuel?”
Have you ever asked somebody something so profoundly stupid to them that they have to physically regroup before they answer your question? [laughter]
Like, she went to answer, and then she went, “Huh.” [laughter]
Like her brain was like, control-alt-delete, rebooted… [laughter]
And she goes, “Divert doesn’t mean dump fuel, you dumb shit.”
And I was like, “I know, I was just playing. Gah.” [laughter]
She said, “We’re gonna land at the nearest airport.
We’ll get him off and we’ll get him help. Then we’ll continue.”
And I go, “You gotta be shitting me.”
And she goes, “No.”
And I said, “Well, what if he’s dead?”
And she goes, “What?”
And I go, “If he’s dead…” – [laughter]
“We’re not just gonna land to drop off some luggage, right? We’re gonna keep going.”
And she goes, “I guess so.” [laughter]
And I said, “Well, in that case, I am a doctor.” [laughter]
“And I’m gonna need a pillow. Stat.” [laughter] [cheers and applause]
And then, I fucking killed a guy. On a plane. [laughter]
It was the most fun I’ve ever had in my life.