Beef by Tom Segura Lyrics

I was in, uh, London… Canada.
Um, they have one. – [crowd chuckles]
And… Doesn’t that kinda bother you? A little bit?
When a barely city is like,
“Let’s name it after an awesome city.” – [laughter] – [snickers]
And they have the nerve to ask you, “How do you like London?”
“The real one, or this turd you put in a dress? Because…” [laughter]
Like, the fucking balls on Paris, Tennessee, to name their city Paris?
And then they built a mini Eiffel Tower?
Like you’re gonna walk around confused, like,
“Well, bonjour! I don’t even know where I’m at!” [laughter, cheering]
“Can I get me a ‘crassant?'” [chortles] [laughter]
Fuck Paris, Tennessee.
So, we’re leaving… London, Ontario, Canada— bothers me just to say it.
And we’re headed back to Toronto, and we pass by a strip club named Beef.
–Now… – [crowd chuckles]
Yeah, your hearing is working just fine. [laughter]
There’s a strip club named Beef! I mean…
Can you even wrap your head around the confidence a young lady has to have just to audition at Beef?
Just to be like,
“I know they’re hiring at Diamonds, but I’m more of a Beef girl.”
Like, that is… – [laughter]
It’s such an aggressive name, even for a casual conversation.
To be like, “Oh, you strip?” “Where do you strip at?”
“Beef.” [laughter]
“Jesus.” – [laughter]
“What goes on there?”
“Pretty intense shit, actually. We recommend you start your night at a different strip club and graduate to Beef.
You start here, we’ll wreck your life.”
Like, “All right. God.”
Fuckin’ Beef is the name.
Fart is a better name for a strip club.
If somebody was like,
“You wanna go to a strip club? It’s called Fart.”
I’d be like, “No, I don’t want to go there.”
“There’s another one called Beef.”
“All right, let’s check out Fart.” [laughter]
“See where that ends up.”