BIKES by Tom Segura Lyrics
Um… Bikes! I get, like… verbal tics, you know?
I don’t have Tourette’s.
I wish I did. It looks fun.
But… I’ll just yell shit.
It’s like a hook on a catchy song, except it’s just stuff that I watch, and then…
“Bikes!” I just yell it, you know.
Over and over. Only like two or three million times.
But… I’m obsessed with the show Scared Straight. Um…
If you’ve never seen it, it’s tremendous.
Here’s what they do.
In the show, they take kids, middle school and high school kids that are getting in trouble a lot, and they send them to jail for a day.
And the idea is that jail will scare the fuck out of the kid, and then he’ll get his life together.
Hence, Scared Straight. It’s tremendous.
I’m obsessed with one episode. – It aired once. – [crowd chuckles] In 1999.
Here’s what’s great. It aired uncensored, which is bananas.
And… in this episode they did not send the kids to jail, like they normally do.
Instead, they sent them to a maximum security penitentiary. [crowd chuckles]
Prison. And those prisoners verbally assaulted these kids into crying a lot. [laughter]
And it’s the funniest shit I have ever seen in my life.
First of all, don’t feel, like, too bad for— these kids are super badass.
They’re not like, spitting spitballs in class and—
They’re fucking stabbing other kids. They’re badass kids. Okay?
And they show up to this thing with attitude.
They walk in, they’re like,
“What’s up? I run sixth grade. – I ain’t scared of you, man. Like…” – [laughter]
“You can’t scare me.”
And they’re greeted by a guy named Crazy Chris.
Chris has scars on his face, and the screen freezes.
And it says, “Chris killed six people, and he’s doing a double life sentence.”
Like, this dude is so bad that when he dies and he’s reincarnated, that guy is doing life in prison also. [laughter]
So this is a bad motherfucker right here.
The kids are like squatting around, and Chris is like,
“Hey. My name’s Crazy Chris.
And from now on, you will see me in your nightmares.”
And the kids are like,
“What the fuck?” Like… “I’m 12. Don’t talk to me like that. Man, that’s crazy.”
And he goes, “If I ever see you again, I’ll take a bite out of each of you.”
And they’re like, “All right. We’re reformed now. Thank you very much.” Jesus.
But they can’t leave.
The next guy comes up to them and he goes, “Hold mah pocket! – Hold mah pocket!” – [crowd chuckles]
And he makes kids walk around holding the inside of his pocket. You understand? So he walks, and then they’re like— [nervous chuckle]
I don’t know what you know about prison, but if you’re holding onto another dude’s pocket, it’s gonna be a rough day. All right? – [laughter]
Not only is this guy making kids hold his— he’s talking ridiculous shit to middle schoolers.
He’s like, “I’mma make you suck my dick for breakfast!” [laughter]
“Every mornin’.”
And the kids are like… [groaning] [laughter] “I hate breakfast! Ugh!” [laughter]
Funny shit like that. So… [chortles] He’s like,
“I’mma mush your motherfucking face!”
And the kid’s like— [whimpering]
It’s so fucking funny. Ah… [crowd chuckling]
There’s one exchange where this dude, he pulls a kid out of line.
The kid’s, like, 13. He weighs, I don’t know, a hundred pounds?
And he has a bowl cut. Okay? He has a bowl cut. [laughter]
In prison.
Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. It’s parted in the middle.
The prisoner goes, “Why you here?”
And the kid’s like… “Ugh. Stealing.”
And he goes, “The fuck you took?” [laughter]
And the kids goes, “B… Bikes.”
And he goes, “Bikes!”
And that’s why I yell “bikes” all the time. [laughter] [cheers and applause]
You should see me when we drive by a bike store. Holy shit. [laughter]
I’ll be driving. I’ll be like, “Ahh…” – And my wife, she’s pretty over it.
Um… [laughter]
She’ll go, like, “You get one.”
I’m like, “All right, I’m gonna make this shit count.”
So, I’ll pull over, roll down the window, and I wait till I see somebody checking out one of the sidewalk displays, like with all the bikes out there, and when they find one they like and they’re like, “I like this one,”
I’ll go, “Bikes!”
And they’re like, “What the fuck?!”
And I go, “Stop selling drugs!” And I drive off. [laughter]
That’s right. [cheers and applause]
Super fun. You should do it. Ah, man.
I don’t have Tourette’s.
I wish I did. It looks fun.
But… I’ll just yell shit.
It’s like a hook on a catchy song, except it’s just stuff that I watch, and then…
“Bikes!” I just yell it, you know.
Over and over. Only like two or three million times.
But… I’m obsessed with the show Scared Straight. Um…
If you’ve never seen it, it’s tremendous.
Here’s what they do.
In the show, they take kids, middle school and high school kids that are getting in trouble a lot, and they send them to jail for a day.
And the idea is that jail will scare the fuck out of the kid, and then he’ll get his life together.
Hence, Scared Straight. It’s tremendous.
I’m obsessed with one episode. – It aired once. – [crowd chuckles] In 1999.
Here’s what’s great. It aired uncensored, which is bananas.
And… in this episode they did not send the kids to jail, like they normally do.
Instead, they sent them to a maximum security penitentiary. [crowd chuckles]
Prison. And those prisoners verbally assaulted these kids into crying a lot. [laughter]
And it’s the funniest shit I have ever seen in my life.
First of all, don’t feel, like, too bad for— these kids are super badass.
They’re not like, spitting spitballs in class and—
They’re fucking stabbing other kids. They’re badass kids. Okay?
And they show up to this thing with attitude.
They walk in, they’re like,
“What’s up? I run sixth grade. – I ain’t scared of you, man. Like…” – [laughter]
“You can’t scare me.”
And they’re greeted by a guy named Crazy Chris.
Chris has scars on his face, and the screen freezes.
And it says, “Chris killed six people, and he’s doing a double life sentence.”
Like, this dude is so bad that when he dies and he’s reincarnated, that guy is doing life in prison also. [laughter]
So this is a bad motherfucker right here.
The kids are like squatting around, and Chris is like,
“Hey. My name’s Crazy Chris.
And from now on, you will see me in your nightmares.”
And the kids are like,
“What the fuck?” Like… “I’m 12. Don’t talk to me like that. Man, that’s crazy.”
And he goes, “If I ever see you again, I’ll take a bite out of each of you.”
And they’re like, “All right. We’re reformed now. Thank you very much.” Jesus.
But they can’t leave.
The next guy comes up to them and he goes, “Hold mah pocket! – Hold mah pocket!” – [crowd chuckles]
And he makes kids walk around holding the inside of his pocket. You understand? So he walks, and then they’re like— [nervous chuckle]
I don’t know what you know about prison, but if you’re holding onto another dude’s pocket, it’s gonna be a rough day. All right? – [laughter]
Not only is this guy making kids hold his— he’s talking ridiculous shit to middle schoolers.
He’s like, “I’mma make you suck my dick for breakfast!” [laughter]
“Every mornin’.”
And the kids are like… [groaning] [laughter] “I hate breakfast! Ugh!” [laughter]
Funny shit like that. So… [chortles] He’s like,
“I’mma mush your motherfucking face!”
And the kid’s like— [whimpering]
It’s so fucking funny. Ah… [crowd chuckling]
There’s one exchange where this dude, he pulls a kid out of line.
The kid’s, like, 13. He weighs, I don’t know, a hundred pounds?
And he has a bowl cut. Okay? He has a bowl cut. [laughter]
In prison.
Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. It’s parted in the middle.
The prisoner goes, “Why you here?”
And the kid’s like… “Ugh. Stealing.”
And he goes, “The fuck you took?” [laughter]
And the kids goes, “B… Bikes.”
And he goes, “Bikes!”
And that’s why I yell “bikes” all the time. [laughter] [cheers and applause]
You should see me when we drive by a bike store. Holy shit. [laughter]
I’ll be driving. I’ll be like, “Ahh…” – And my wife, she’s pretty over it.
Um… [laughter]
She’ll go, like, “You get one.”
I’m like, “All right, I’m gonna make this shit count.”
So, I’ll pull over, roll down the window, and I wait till I see somebody checking out one of the sidewalk displays, like with all the bikes out there, and when they find one they like and they’re like, “I like this one,”
I’ll go, “Bikes!”
And they’re like, “What the fuck?!”
And I go, “Stop selling drugs!” And I drive off. [laughter]
That’s right. [cheers and applause]
Super fun. You should do it. Ah, man.