A Breakup Letter to Upworthy by Soren Bowie Lyrics
Please, just listen for the first 30 seconds and I promise you will be glued through the end
We have to stop whatever this is between us
And the reason why will absolutely shock you
[Screen reads "Open Breakup Letters: Dear Link Bait"]
We started with something great, you and I, we--
You were new, you were powerful, you were commanding
I found you on Facebook from the recommendation of my friends
You went by so many different names then: Upworthy, Tickld.com, Viral Nova...
Whenever I even thought about clicking on a link or a video thumbnail that even vaguely looked like nudity,
There you were to tell me exactly what I could expect
Which side I would be on by the end and...
And exactly how it would influence my faith in humanity
I liked it
After all, thinking about things is hard work
But you were there with a smile and a wink
You slid me the cliff notes to life
With every single video of dogs being reunited with soldiers
Or children hitting adult penises with wiffle bats
"You will feel this way!" you instructed
"Your jaw will drop at this point!" you coached
You were like a lover and a parent
The very best combination
Now, if you can get through this next part without shedding a tear, then you are made of stone
You betrayed me
You played it fast and loose with the superlatives
You made a bunch of promises you couldn't keep and first of all,
I don't think you cared if I noticed
In fact, I think you wanted to get caught
You presented to me a man who was going on dates while he was married and assured me that the story would leave me speechless
Well, here I sit, speechful
Because the truth I found out was this man went on a date with his wife
Now I... I don't mean to belittle your own emotions, Link Bait, but...
That is the dumbest fucking story I have ever heard
That is not news; that barely qualifies as human decency
Also (and I'm sorry if this sounds crass, but)
You never blow my mind anymore
In fact, I would be hard-pressed to remember a time when you blew my mind at all
You once introduced me to a man who was going to try to hug a lion and you promised me
That that was going to blow my mind
Well, do you remember what happened next? Because I do
He hugged the lion
That's it. He was successful
That is the exact opposite of my mind being blown
The truth was that he and lion were already friends but you neglected to tell me that information
You withheld it because... because...
I don't know, you want to hurt me?
Don't you see what you're doing?
With all these hollow promises and these screams for attention, you're ruining language
What are you gonna say when you find something that actually matters?
And yes, to be fair to you, I occasionally use hyperbole
The difference is that when I promise something is shocking I reveal that the candy lobby moved Daylight Savings Time to sell more candy
Or that the pine cones in Australia kill more people than spiders but you, you--
You reveal that the house that's SO crazy that it will change the way that I think about the world and make me wanna crawl into a bathtub with a toaster
Got that title because it's purple
Because its whole inside is purple with purple furniture
Because you can't be trusted
Now I guarantee that this next part won't surprise you at all
I'm leaving you
And in the future, I will be more careful about clicking on one of your links than I would be about handling raw chicken
Because that's how much I hate you and everything that you stand for
God, and the bitch of it is that there are in the world some surprising, amazing, slack-jaw-inducing miracles, but you--
You will never see a single one of them
Riveted as you are to your stupid fucking purple house...
Fuck you, Link Bait
Don't contact me on Facebook
XOXO,
Soren
We have to stop whatever this is between us
And the reason why will absolutely shock you
[Screen reads "Open Breakup Letters: Dear Link Bait"]
We started with something great, you and I, we--
You were new, you were powerful, you were commanding
I found you on Facebook from the recommendation of my friends
You went by so many different names then: Upworthy, Tickld.com, Viral Nova...
Whenever I even thought about clicking on a link or a video thumbnail that even vaguely looked like nudity,
There you were to tell me exactly what I could expect
Which side I would be on by the end and...
And exactly how it would influence my faith in humanity
I liked it
After all, thinking about things is hard work
But you were there with a smile and a wink
You slid me the cliff notes to life
With every single video of dogs being reunited with soldiers
Or children hitting adult penises with wiffle bats
"You will feel this way!" you instructed
"Your jaw will drop at this point!" you coached
You were like a lover and a parent
The very best combination
Now, if you can get through this next part without shedding a tear, then you are made of stone
You betrayed me
You played it fast and loose with the superlatives
You made a bunch of promises you couldn't keep and first of all,
I don't think you cared if I noticed
In fact, I think you wanted to get caught
You presented to me a man who was going on dates while he was married and assured me that the story would leave me speechless
Well, here I sit, speechful
Because the truth I found out was this man went on a date with his wife
Now I... I don't mean to belittle your own emotions, Link Bait, but...
That is the dumbest fucking story I have ever heard
That is not news; that barely qualifies as human decency
Also (and I'm sorry if this sounds crass, but)
You never blow my mind anymore
In fact, I would be hard-pressed to remember a time when you blew my mind at all
You once introduced me to a man who was going to try to hug a lion and you promised me
That that was going to blow my mind
Well, do you remember what happened next? Because I do
He hugged the lion
That's it. He was successful
That is the exact opposite of my mind being blown
The truth was that he and lion were already friends but you neglected to tell me that information
You withheld it because... because...
I don't know, you want to hurt me?
Don't you see what you're doing?
With all these hollow promises and these screams for attention, you're ruining language
What are you gonna say when you find something that actually matters?
And yes, to be fair to you, I occasionally use hyperbole
The difference is that when I promise something is shocking I reveal that the candy lobby moved Daylight Savings Time to sell more candy
Or that the pine cones in Australia kill more people than spiders but you, you--
You reveal that the house that's SO crazy that it will change the way that I think about the world and make me wanna crawl into a bathtub with a toaster
Got that title because it's purple
Because its whole inside is purple with purple furniture
Because you can't be trusted
Now I guarantee that this next part won't surprise you at all
I'm leaving you
And in the future, I will be more careful about clicking on one of your links than I would be about handling raw chicken
Because that's how much I hate you and everything that you stand for
God, and the bitch of it is that there are in the world some surprising, amazing, slack-jaw-inducing miracles, but you--
You will never see a single one of them
Riveted as you are to your stupid fucking purple house...
Fuck you, Link Bait
Don't contact me on Facebook
XOXO,
Soren