Middle-of-the-Road Comedian by Rob J Madin Lyrics
How did I get here? What have I done?
I never even wanted to be a stand-up comedian
I’ve got A-levels. I’ve got a degree
But I’ve been out of proper work so long, no one will employ me
All my friends have jobs that are 9-5
They go to work in the morning & come back at night
And at the weekends they go out and spend their money with their friends
But of friends I am devoid
Because you don’t have workmates when you’re self-employed
And all those weekends that I once enjoyed
I now spend trying to work out exactly when it was I started pissing my life up the wall
Oh, how I dream of one day having a salary
What it would be to finally have some job security
I could be a dentist’s receptionist, if the phone rings I’d answer
Or maybe work on the shop floor of somewhere like Homebase or Halfords?
Or maybe something using Microsoft Word or Excel
Some kind of administrative personnel?
Just Anything to get me out of this hell of being A middle-of-the-road comedian
If I had a real job, I’d have one of those adjustable desks
If I had a real job, I’d have lunch every day at Pret
I’d make small talk in the lift every morning
With Carol and Paul from Human Resources
And it wouldn’t even matter if my jokes fell flat
‘Cause in polite conversation everyone has to laugh
No one would heckle me again
When I retired I’d get champagne
Nobody would tell me that I’ve pissed my life up the wall
Oh, maybe I’ll have a real job someday
Maybe soon I’ll be entitled to sick pay
But until then I’ll just accept
That I regret All the life choices that led Me here
Being a middle-of-the-road comedian
I never even wanted to be a stand-up comedian
I’ve got A-levels. I’ve got a degree
But I’ve been out of proper work so long, no one will employ me
All my friends have jobs that are 9-5
They go to work in the morning & come back at night
And at the weekends they go out and spend their money with their friends
But of friends I am devoid
Because you don’t have workmates when you’re self-employed
And all those weekends that I once enjoyed
I now spend trying to work out exactly when it was I started pissing my life up the wall
Oh, how I dream of one day having a salary
What it would be to finally have some job security
I could be a dentist’s receptionist, if the phone rings I’d answer
Or maybe work on the shop floor of somewhere like Homebase or Halfords?
Or maybe something using Microsoft Word or Excel
Some kind of administrative personnel?
Just Anything to get me out of this hell of being A middle-of-the-road comedian
If I had a real job, I’d have one of those adjustable desks
If I had a real job, I’d have lunch every day at Pret
I’d make small talk in the lift every morning
With Carol and Paul from Human Resources
And it wouldn’t even matter if my jokes fell flat
‘Cause in polite conversation everyone has to laugh
No one would heckle me again
When I retired I’d get champagne
Nobody would tell me that I’ve pissed my life up the wall
Oh, maybe I’ll have a real job someday
Maybe soon I’ll be entitled to sick pay
But until then I’ll just accept
That I regret All the life choices that led Me here
Being a middle-of-the-road comedian