Red Gets a Delivery by Red vs. Blue Lyrics
EXT. Outside Red Base
SARGE: Hurry up, ladies.
GRIF and SIMMONS run to where SARGE is standing.
SARGE: This ain't no ice cream social.
SIMMONS: Ice cream social?
SARGE: Stop the pillow talk, you two. Anyone... want to guess... why I gathered you here... today?
GRIF: Uh... is it because the war's over and you're sending us home?
SARGE: That's exactly it, Private. War's over. We won. Turns out you're the big hero, and we're gonna hold a parade in your honor. I get to drive the float. And Simmons here, is in CHARGE OF CONFETTI!
GRIF: I'm no stranger to sarcasm, sir.
SARGE: God DAMN it, Private! Shut your mouth, or else I'll have Simmons slit your throat while you're asleep!
SIMMONS: Oh, I'd do it, too.
SARGE: I know you would Simmons. Good man. Couple of things today, ladies. Command has seen fit to increase our ranks here at Blood Gulch Outpost Number One.
GRIF: Crap. We're getting a rookie.
SARGE: That's right, dead man. Our new recruit will be here within the week. But today, we received the first part of our shipment from Command. Lopez. Bring up the vehicle.
LOPEZ rides over the hill with the warthog.
SIMMONS: Shotgun!
GRIF: Shotgun! Fuck.
SARGE: May I introduce, our new light reconnaissance vehicle. It has four inch armor plating, maaag buffer suspension, a mounted machine gunner position, and total seating for three. Gentlemen, this is the M12-LRV! I like to call it the Warthog.
SIMMONS: Why 'Warthog' sir?
SARGE: Because M12-LRV is too hard to say in conversation, son.
GRIF: No, but... why 'Warthog'? I mean, it doesn't really look like a pig...
SARGE: Say that again?
GRIF: I think it looks more like a puma.
SARGE: What in sam hell is a puma?
SIMMONS: Uh... you mean like the shoe company?
GRIF: No, like a puma. It's a big cat. Like a lion.
SARGE: You're making that up.
GRIF: I'm telling you, it's a real animal!
SARGE: Simmons, I want you to poison Grif's next meal.
SIMMONS: Yes sir!
SARGE: Look, see these two tow hooks? They look like tusks. And what kind of animal has tusks?
GRIF: A walrus.
SARGE: Didn't I just tell you to stop making up animals?
EXT. The Cliff
CHURCH and TUCKER are looking at the reds, through a sniper rifle.
TUCKER: What is that thing?
CHURCH: I don't know, but it looks like uh... looks like they got some kinda car down there. We'd better get back to base and report it.
TUCKER: A car? How come they get a car?
CHURCH: What are you complaining about man? We're about to get a tank in the very next drop.
TUCKER: You can't pick up chicks in a tank.
CHURCH: Oh, you know what, you could bitch about anything, couldn't you. We're gonna get a tank, and you're worried about chicks. What chicks are we gonna pick up man!? Firay, and secondly, how are we gonna pick up chicks in a car that looks like that?
TUCKER: Well what kind of car is it?
CHURCH: I don't know, I've never seen a car that looks like that before, it looks like a uh... like a big cat of some kind.
TUCKER: ... what, like a puma?
CHURCH: Yeah man, there ya go.
EXT. Outside Red Base
SARGE: So unless anybody else has any more mythical creatures to suggest as a name for the new vehicle, we're gonna stick with 'the Warthog'. How about it Grif?
GRIF: No sir, no more suggestions.
SARGE: Are you sure? How 'bout Bigfoot?
GRIF: That's okay.
SARGE: Unicorn?
GRIF: No really, I'm... I'm cool.
SARGE: Sasquatch?
SIMMONS: Leprechaun?
GRIF: Hey, he doesn't need any help man...
SARGE: Phoenix!
GRIF: Huh... Christ.
SARGE: Hey Simmons, what's the name of that Mexican lizard, eats all the goats?
SIMMONS: Uh, that would be the Chupacabra, sir!
SARGE: Hey Grif! Chupathingie, how 'bout that? I like it! Got a ring to it...The End
SARGE: Hurry up, ladies.
GRIF and SIMMONS run to where SARGE is standing.
SARGE: This ain't no ice cream social.
SIMMONS: Ice cream social?
SARGE: Stop the pillow talk, you two. Anyone... want to guess... why I gathered you here... today?
GRIF: Uh... is it because the war's over and you're sending us home?
SARGE: That's exactly it, Private. War's over. We won. Turns out you're the big hero, and we're gonna hold a parade in your honor. I get to drive the float. And Simmons here, is in CHARGE OF CONFETTI!
GRIF: I'm no stranger to sarcasm, sir.
SARGE: God DAMN it, Private! Shut your mouth, or else I'll have Simmons slit your throat while you're asleep!
SIMMONS: Oh, I'd do it, too.
SARGE: I know you would Simmons. Good man. Couple of things today, ladies. Command has seen fit to increase our ranks here at Blood Gulch Outpost Number One.
GRIF: Crap. We're getting a rookie.
SARGE: That's right, dead man. Our new recruit will be here within the week. But today, we received the first part of our shipment from Command. Lopez. Bring up the vehicle.
LOPEZ rides over the hill with the warthog.
SIMMONS: Shotgun!
GRIF: Shotgun! Fuck.
SARGE: May I introduce, our new light reconnaissance vehicle. It has four inch armor plating, maaag buffer suspension, a mounted machine gunner position, and total seating for three. Gentlemen, this is the M12-LRV! I like to call it the Warthog.
SIMMONS: Why 'Warthog' sir?
SARGE: Because M12-LRV is too hard to say in conversation, son.
GRIF: No, but... why 'Warthog'? I mean, it doesn't really look like a pig...
SARGE: Say that again?
GRIF: I think it looks more like a puma.
SARGE: What in sam hell is a puma?
SIMMONS: Uh... you mean like the shoe company?
GRIF: No, like a puma. It's a big cat. Like a lion.
SARGE: You're making that up.
GRIF: I'm telling you, it's a real animal!
SARGE: Simmons, I want you to poison Grif's next meal.
SIMMONS: Yes sir!
SARGE: Look, see these two tow hooks? They look like tusks. And what kind of animal has tusks?
GRIF: A walrus.
SARGE: Didn't I just tell you to stop making up animals?
EXT. The Cliff
CHURCH and TUCKER are looking at the reds, through a sniper rifle.
TUCKER: What is that thing?
CHURCH: I don't know, but it looks like uh... looks like they got some kinda car down there. We'd better get back to base and report it.
TUCKER: A car? How come they get a car?
CHURCH: What are you complaining about man? We're about to get a tank in the very next drop.
TUCKER: You can't pick up chicks in a tank.
CHURCH: Oh, you know what, you could bitch about anything, couldn't you. We're gonna get a tank, and you're worried about chicks. What chicks are we gonna pick up man!? Firay, and secondly, how are we gonna pick up chicks in a car that looks like that?
TUCKER: Well what kind of car is it?
CHURCH: I don't know, I've never seen a car that looks like that before, it looks like a uh... like a big cat of some kind.
TUCKER: ... what, like a puma?
CHURCH: Yeah man, there ya go.
EXT. Outside Red Base
SARGE: So unless anybody else has any more mythical creatures to suggest as a name for the new vehicle, we're gonna stick with 'the Warthog'. How about it Grif?
GRIF: No sir, no more suggestions.
SARGE: Are you sure? How 'bout Bigfoot?
GRIF: That's okay.
SARGE: Unicorn?
GRIF: No really, I'm... I'm cool.
SARGE: Sasquatch?
SIMMONS: Leprechaun?
GRIF: Hey, he doesn't need any help man...
SARGE: Phoenix!
GRIF: Huh... Christ.
SARGE: Hey Simmons, what's the name of that Mexican lizard, eats all the goats?
SIMMONS: Uh, that would be the Chupacabra, sir!
SARGE: Hey Grif! Chupathingie, how 'bout that? I like it! Got a ring to it...The End