Rude Brittania by Mr.B The Gentleman Rhymer Lyrics
*Doorbell sound*
(spoken)
Carshalton, I've go this one. Take the night off
(Verse 1)
Welcome my dear; do pop in, you bonnie thing, you
You're probably nervous; I'm sure I would be too if I were you
Choose a seat, how's about one by the hearth?
I'm treating you this evening, i've even had my weekly bath
A day early! Oh yes, I'm spruced to the nines
You, young lady, are in for a crackingly ruddy good time
I've a bloody good mind to pounce on you now
When I see the bouncing around as you flounce in your gown
I'm counting down now to when we really go to town
I apologize, but you'd rather have a chap mopping his brow
I'm a gentleman first, but I've been a little parched
You're quenching my thirst and you've rather stiffened my starch
I approach, but I find that my attention is drawn
To the welcome mat, where lies the paper with the test score
We'd best pas de deux some more, but the desire is gone
I just want to know who's batting at number one!
(Chorus)
Rude Brittania
I'll make love to you (but once I've read the papers)
Rude Brittania
I'll make love to you (but once I've read the papers)
(Verse 2)
She purred "My darling B, I'm ready for you now"
I said "Blast it to high Heaven, we're four wickets down!"
And she seductively unbuttoned her dress, and slid the thing off
I balked at the two catches [that silly made off?]
She got rid of all of her garmentry
And professed her wish to do harm to me
I looked upon her with alarm to see
But I wasn't referring to her charms
The colonials had rather got us over a barrel
This didn't mean I didn't appreciate that this filly had dropped her apparel
So I mustered some gusto to get her flustered, and just so
My trusted thrust I know can make a lady combust
So, as my mind let go of the cricketing woes
I remembered a bet I had on the 3:10 at Chepstow
"My dear, I assure you, I can go on for ages
"But first will you mind if I have a quick look at the racing pages?"
As I searched for my filly (not human, equine)
Said human filly started imparting favourite curse words of mine
(Chorus)
Rude Brittania
I'll make love to you (but once I've read the papers)
Rude Brittania
I'll make love to you in a moment or two
My dear, please don't leave me lonely
Come over here - at least trombone me
(spoken)
Ho-ho, that's the spirit!
(Verse 3)
So I placed the paper down, and took off her glove
Said "Now I'll show you how an Englishman makes love!"
I fair dived upon the bed, but also, sadly, on her shin
As I rolled her to one side, she squealed "You're pinching my skin!"
She cried "Get off my hair!" I said "But it's better over there!"
I could have been better prepared, rather than sweating and scared
She said "How's this, my love?" I yelled "Stop it, it's bending!"
I'm afraid this tale of romance had no happy ending
(spoken)
Carshalton, I've go this one. Take the night off
(Verse 1)
Welcome my dear; do pop in, you bonnie thing, you
You're probably nervous; I'm sure I would be too if I were you
Choose a seat, how's about one by the hearth?
I'm treating you this evening, i've even had my weekly bath
A day early! Oh yes, I'm spruced to the nines
You, young lady, are in for a crackingly ruddy good time
I've a bloody good mind to pounce on you now
When I see the bouncing around as you flounce in your gown
I'm counting down now to when we really go to town
I apologize, but you'd rather have a chap mopping his brow
I'm a gentleman first, but I've been a little parched
You're quenching my thirst and you've rather stiffened my starch
I approach, but I find that my attention is drawn
To the welcome mat, where lies the paper with the test score
We'd best pas de deux some more, but the desire is gone
I just want to know who's batting at number one!
(Chorus)
Rude Brittania
I'll make love to you (but once I've read the papers)
Rude Brittania
I'll make love to you (but once I've read the papers)
(Verse 2)
She purred "My darling B, I'm ready for you now"
I said "Blast it to high Heaven, we're four wickets down!"
And she seductively unbuttoned her dress, and slid the thing off
I balked at the two catches [that silly made off?]
She got rid of all of her garmentry
And professed her wish to do harm to me
I looked upon her with alarm to see
But I wasn't referring to her charms
The colonials had rather got us over a barrel
This didn't mean I didn't appreciate that this filly had dropped her apparel
So I mustered some gusto to get her flustered, and just so
My trusted thrust I know can make a lady combust
So, as my mind let go of the cricketing woes
I remembered a bet I had on the 3:10 at Chepstow
"My dear, I assure you, I can go on for ages
"But first will you mind if I have a quick look at the racing pages?"
As I searched for my filly (not human, equine)
Said human filly started imparting favourite curse words of mine
(Chorus)
Rude Brittania
I'll make love to you (but once I've read the papers)
Rude Brittania
I'll make love to you in a moment or two
My dear, please don't leave me lonely
Come over here - at least trombone me
(spoken)
Ho-ho, that's the spirit!
(Verse 3)
So I placed the paper down, and took off her glove
Said "Now I'll show you how an Englishman makes love!"
I fair dived upon the bed, but also, sadly, on her shin
As I rolled her to one side, she squealed "You're pinching my skin!"
She cried "Get off my hair!" I said "But it's better over there!"
I could have been better prepared, rather than sweating and scared
She said "How's this, my love?" I yelled "Stop it, it's bending!"
I'm afraid this tale of romance had no happy ending