Man Into Woman - Epilogue by Lili Elbe Lyrics
Fragments from Lili Elbe's letters from Dresden to her German friend in the time from June 14 to August 22, 1931.
June 14.
... After a short examination Professor Kreutz decided to operate on me again ... It will be the last time ... The operation will take place on Tuesday in all likelihood, but promise that Grete will not learn anything of it ... It would cast a shadow over her happiness ... she would be scared for my sake, whilе there is no reason for that ... I am so happy bеing back home here in the Women’s Clinic ... the Professor has promised me to read my "confessions" and to help me if it should be necessary to correct anything in them ... He is also of the opinion they should be published as a book.
For the rest, I think it is glorious of him that instead of resting on his laurels, to face the danger of operating on me again, so I can be healthy and capable of having a husband and maybe also children and become very happy through that. This man has brought me to love Germany, because he has taught me to see what greatness is living in this country ...
Should it go badly, - but I know that it will not,- you should know that I die happy because until my last breath I would be with him to whom I owe my life.
More than ever I am clear about it that it is my moral obligation to make public my confession, to teach them not to judge them ...
-----
June 16.
... Now I am again as insignificant as I was last year ...
I believe I am to be operated on tomorrow. I am not afraid of pain ... I wish I could stay here forever. I am sitting outside in the garden ... Now and then I am grasped by an uncertain fear ... then I pace among the birches in the park ... What is there to be afraid of? ... I know that everything will be fine ... Of course I will not die ... That would be a betrayal of life ... Write me ... That gives me solace. Maybe the book will be published while I am lying here ...
-----
July 10.
... I am so weak ... How is the book coming? ...
----
July 18.
Today it has been a month since I have been operated on … It is moving forward and my thoughts are no longer busy with death ... I dreamed tonight, that a friend took me in his arms and carried me far away ... and I was happy ... I have gone through so much, but still I am in such wonderful spirits ... Now I know that I am like all other women.
----
August 7.
... Today I spoke about my book with the Professor ... and I was happy about what he said. He goes on vacation next week. Just imagine, I have not been allowed to get up yet! ... But it cannot be much longer now until I am back on me legs. I think it should say in the book's beginning: "This book is about my life and my transformation, it has been written by a person who is still weak and without strength ...."
August 13.
... The Professor has left ... my condition is bringing me to desperation. I don't think it is going forward ... and there are moments in which I am so tired that I almost wish I were allowed to die ... but I don’t have permission for that, because I know the Professor does not want that.
August 15.
... I can not write anything about my last operation – it was an abyss of suffering ... Good thing that Grete did not know ... I am still so weak ... but in September I will come back to Copenhagen ... I have to get my papers in order, - for Claude's sake...
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August 17.
... I do not want to entertain you with my suffering... But now it has been two months since the strict Professor has kept me in bed ... It was a terrible time, I have become so infinitely weak ... apparently I will not come to Copenhagen before the end of September ...
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August 22.
... I am so tired, I am always tired, and I am still lying in bed ... Almost every day I receive flowers from Grete ... she is happy. When I have the strength, I write to her and tell her that it is going forward ... She would have liked to come, but I do not want it ... I am so alone ... and I am so weak ... so weak ... but when I am troubled by the deepest, then a letter from Claude arrives ... he is waiting for me ... dear, dear Claude.
- - - -
Then it was quiet around Lili Elbe. She wrote one more letter. It was in the beginning of September. The letter was addressed to her sister:
..... Now I know death is coming .... I dreamed of Mother tonight .... she took me in her arms ... she called me Lili ... and Father was also there .....
-----
On September 12. Lili Elbe's brother had been called to Dresden by telegram. She was no longer capable of speaking. She could only whisper. But her eyes shone when her brother was with her. Her last words she wrote on a piece of paper. She gave the piece of paper to her faithful nurse in the Women's Clinic: "Good-bye little sister." Then she fell asleep and did not wake again.
Her last wish was that she be allowed to rest in the graveyard next to the Women's Clinic. Her wish was fulfilled. On September 15. 1931.
Niels Hoyer
June 14.
... After a short examination Professor Kreutz decided to operate on me again ... It will be the last time ... The operation will take place on Tuesday in all likelihood, but promise that Grete will not learn anything of it ... It would cast a shadow over her happiness ... she would be scared for my sake, whilе there is no reason for that ... I am so happy bеing back home here in the Women’s Clinic ... the Professor has promised me to read my "confessions" and to help me if it should be necessary to correct anything in them ... He is also of the opinion they should be published as a book.
For the rest, I think it is glorious of him that instead of resting on his laurels, to face the danger of operating on me again, so I can be healthy and capable of having a husband and maybe also children and become very happy through that. This man has brought me to love Germany, because he has taught me to see what greatness is living in this country ...
Should it go badly, - but I know that it will not,- you should know that I die happy because until my last breath I would be with him to whom I owe my life.
More than ever I am clear about it that it is my moral obligation to make public my confession, to teach them not to judge them ...
-----
June 16.
... Now I am again as insignificant as I was last year ...
I believe I am to be operated on tomorrow. I am not afraid of pain ... I wish I could stay here forever. I am sitting outside in the garden ... Now and then I am grasped by an uncertain fear ... then I pace among the birches in the park ... What is there to be afraid of? ... I know that everything will be fine ... Of course I will not die ... That would be a betrayal of life ... Write me ... That gives me solace. Maybe the book will be published while I am lying here ...
-----
July 10.
... I am so weak ... How is the book coming? ...
----
July 18.
Today it has been a month since I have been operated on … It is moving forward and my thoughts are no longer busy with death ... I dreamed tonight, that a friend took me in his arms and carried me far away ... and I was happy ... I have gone through so much, but still I am in such wonderful spirits ... Now I know that I am like all other women.
----
August 7.
... Today I spoke about my book with the Professor ... and I was happy about what he said. He goes on vacation next week. Just imagine, I have not been allowed to get up yet! ... But it cannot be much longer now until I am back on me legs. I think it should say in the book's beginning: "This book is about my life and my transformation, it has been written by a person who is still weak and without strength ...."
August 13.
... The Professor has left ... my condition is bringing me to desperation. I don't think it is going forward ... and there are moments in which I am so tired that I almost wish I were allowed to die ... but I don’t have permission for that, because I know the Professor does not want that.
August 15.
... I can not write anything about my last operation – it was an abyss of suffering ... Good thing that Grete did not know ... I am still so weak ... but in September I will come back to Copenhagen ... I have to get my papers in order, - for Claude's sake...
-----
August 17.
... I do not want to entertain you with my suffering... But now it has been two months since the strict Professor has kept me in bed ... It was a terrible time, I have become so infinitely weak ... apparently I will not come to Copenhagen before the end of September ...
-----
August 22.
... I am so tired, I am always tired, and I am still lying in bed ... Almost every day I receive flowers from Grete ... she is happy. When I have the strength, I write to her and tell her that it is going forward ... She would have liked to come, but I do not want it ... I am so alone ... and I am so weak ... so weak ... but when I am troubled by the deepest, then a letter from Claude arrives ... he is waiting for me ... dear, dear Claude.
- - - -
Then it was quiet around Lili Elbe. She wrote one more letter. It was in the beginning of September. The letter was addressed to her sister:
..... Now I know death is coming .... I dreamed of Mother tonight .... she took me in her arms ... she called me Lili ... and Father was also there .....
-----
On September 12. Lili Elbe's brother had been called to Dresden by telegram. She was no longer capable of speaking. She could only whisper. But her eyes shone when her brother was with her. Her last words she wrote on a piece of paper. She gave the piece of paper to her faithful nurse in the Women's Clinic: "Good-bye little sister." Then she fell asleep and did not wake again.
Her last wish was that she be allowed to rest in the graveyard next to the Women's Clinic. Her wish was fulfilled. On September 15. 1931.
Niels Hoyer