Man Into Woman - Chapter 20 by Lili Elbe Lyrics
The many weeks that Lili was living in her attic room now, distant from Grete, were weeks of recuperation.
It was her short life, of reminiscing and observing, but also of self-reflection, that she confided to her diary. Since the journey from Berlin to D. everything in her rose up again, sharply illuminated by a strange light, she felt, a light that cast no shadow.
It was a confession that she made now, without mercy and without restraint.
"I feel like a bridge builder. But it is an odd bridge that I am building. I am standing on one bank, that is the current day. It is hеre that I have driven in thе first pile. And I have to build the bridge free standing to the other bank, towards the other side, that I often don't see clearly, only as if through a mist, and now and then clearly as in a dream. And then I oftentimes don't know if the other bank is the past or the future. That arouses the question in me: have I had only a past, or have I had no past at all? Or do I have just a future and no past ...?"
- - -
"I have found a new friend, who wants to help me to collect the loose leaves of my confession, to put them together. He knew Andreas fleetingly many years ago. He barely remembers him. He just remembers his eyes, and he has found this memory in my eyes. He is German. And I am happy that I can talk German to him here.
He told me, when I came to him for the first time, that he was a bit scared of me before my entrance at his place, as if he could possibly feel an aversion to me, especially since he had recently seen a couple of Andreas' photographs. When I was with him then, he said to me that every doubt had left him, doubt of my separate existence. He had only seen the woman in me, and when he thought of Andreas or spoke to me about Andreas, he had seen or felt a person next to me or behind me ...
He gave me a new German translation of the Bible. The first volume. "The Book in the Beginning" was the title, and within I read these words many times over:
"And the Earth was confusion and desert./Darkness all over an abyss. /The sound of God brooding over the waters everywhere."
Is it presumptuous of me that, if I think of my own beginnings, I always hear these words, these verses ring within me?"
- - -
"I often gave these loose sheets to the German friend to read. I asked him often when there is darkness within me. And then it is often a word from him that keeps me going. He understands the strange questioning within me, that building of bridges into the mist ..."
"Grete has returned from Italy. She is so happy and I am glad about her happiness.
She is living with me now. Because we no longer have to fear going out together. I have no more fear. Nobody on the street pays any attention to me.
Grete and I talk for many long nights. We talk of the life to come almost all the time, for her, for me. She also helps me every now and then when I can't go on writing down my confession. Then I can ask her, and she always knows the answer.
She talks a lot about Feruzzi. They want to marry soon, and Grete says that their home should then always be my home as well. Feruzzi knows everything and says he would always be my friend and my protector. And Grete says: "the both of us are so intimately connected to one another that I can never imagine having you far away from me."
Again and again she talks to me like that. And then she tells me also that I was not just her sister, but that I was also her grown daughter. And then Grete smiles. And I have to promise her to come visit her and Feruzzi soon after their wedding, and Feruzzi too will welcome me like his grown daughter. How happy those words make me!"
- - -
An old friend of Grete and Andreas, one of the few who had also accepted Lili among themselves, a well-known Copenhagen art dealer, advised having an exhibition of Andreas' paintings left behind at his place.
Together with Grete he had brought the entire estate from Copenhagen to Paris, about forty paintings, and in addition many of Grete's paintings.
But they advised Lili, who was preparing the exhibition together with Grete, under no circumstances to show herself at the opening of the exhibition. That it was an estate exhibition was strictly concealed from the newspapers. To avoid all gossip it was proclaimed that the exhibition was mainly to raise money for him from the sale of Andreas' most recent paintings, since he was still confined to a German clinic.
Invitations for the exhibition's opening were sent out.
Strictly speaking the exhibition couldn't raise too much attention, since Grete and Andreas had always held annual exhibitions in Copenhagen, specifically in the rooms of their art dealer friend.
A strange, downcast mood dominated the opening of the painting exhibition. The most intimate circle of friends had been let in on it of course. But the many others that had found their way there knew of the rumors that had been in circulation in Copenhagen for a long time. And all of those rumors, no matter how many times they had been disproven, returned like a phantom.
Nobody dared to buy even a single picture.
Lili's money was drying up. It depressed her that she might soon be forced to accept support from her relatives, however gladly they would have been offered it to her. Shocked she rejected a suggestion to sell her notes, her "confession" that was not finished yet.
An acquaintance then fell for the absurd idea that Lili should dress up as Andreas and appear at the exhibition like that to snuff out all rumors in that manner.
Grete was shocked at this suggestion no less than Lili was. That was when a friend, an editor at a leading Copenhagen newspaper, came to help Lili.
She had wanted for some time to write a factual essay on Lili's development. Lili had prevented that so far. Now the friend explained, the time had come when the public had to learn the whole truth. A known artist as Andreas had been could not just disappear. This was why it was only natural that the most fantastical rumors went around Copenhagen especially now that Andreas had been gone under mysterious circumstances for more than a year. And now she was determined to tell in her newspaper how a brilliant German surgeon had helped transform a deathly sick Andreas Sparre into a young, life-loving woman, into Lili Elbe. The work of the German surgeon must be communicated to the world. It simply must not remain a secret. One day the secret would have to be revealed anyway, and now the time had come.
With a heavy heart, convinced by Grete and all friends, Lili finally agreed.
The next day the essay was published and cleared the Copenhagen air. Like lightning the news went into the world press. Everywhere, in Europe and in America this extraordinary human fate was talked about. But, even though Lili had become a global celebrity and newspapers of all languages spread her picture everywhere, she walked around Copenhagen more peacefully than ever. What she had always feared, that her name would be called after her in the streets, did not come to pass.
Nobody with the exception of those few who knew her, thought even for a moment that the young lady who walked down the "Strög" almost every day and who was no different from other ladies, was the lengendary Lili Elbe. A few days after the publication of the first essay on her she happened to be standing in a group of people in front of the entry of a publishing house in which an illustrated article about her had just been published in a weekly, in order to buy a copy of this weekly magazine. Then she sat down in a streetcar and read her own story the way that many others in the same car did. Nobody cared about her although she was wearing the same coat and the same hat she did in the photographs in the essay.
After that "success" she was very calm and from now on had a variety of funny experiences.
She went to Andreas' exhibition daily, which was well attended by visitors, in the hope of seeing Lili Elbe. And almost all of the pictures were sold without a single visitor recognizing her.
Once an older lady came over to her and whispered: "Tell me Miss, do you not think that the slim lady back there, with the big feet and the tie, who looks like a man, is Lili Elbe?"
"Yes," Lili replied, "certainly, that is her."
On another day on which she was sitting in a manicure salon, a Swedish lady entered and called out loudly:
"Have you heard the story of Lili Elbe? Do you honestly believe there is something true to it?"
Everyone sitting in the salon explained that no matter how fantastical all of that sounded, it was certainly the truth. Only Lili, who for weeks had been among the regular visitors of the salon, pretended to not believe it.
"Of course this essay exaggerates," she remarked drily. Upon which all the ladies agreed that the newspapers exaggerated too much.
- - -
Lili's health improved noticeably now. Her nerves had become calm. She no longer needed to hide from people.
Also her legitimization papers were now in order. She could bear her name without dispute due to a royal decree. The exhibition had become a success. And she herself received many proofs of sympathy, especially from women. Ladies who did not know her at all sent her letters full of understanding and excitement. She was sent flowers from strangers. Different doctors offered to attend to her and monitor her health for free for as long as she stayed in Copenhagen.
"I am being turned into a heroine," she said to her friends. And she breathed easier and was happy about her life again.
- - -
And so March had come, and Grete could go back south with a good conscience, to Italy, to hold her wedding with Feruzzi.
It was her short life, of reminiscing and observing, but also of self-reflection, that she confided to her diary. Since the journey from Berlin to D. everything in her rose up again, sharply illuminated by a strange light, she felt, a light that cast no shadow.
It was a confession that she made now, without mercy and without restraint.
"I feel like a bridge builder. But it is an odd bridge that I am building. I am standing on one bank, that is the current day. It is hеre that I have driven in thе first pile. And I have to build the bridge free standing to the other bank, towards the other side, that I often don't see clearly, only as if through a mist, and now and then clearly as in a dream. And then I oftentimes don't know if the other bank is the past or the future. That arouses the question in me: have I had only a past, or have I had no past at all? Or do I have just a future and no past ...?"
- - -
"I have found a new friend, who wants to help me to collect the loose leaves of my confession, to put them together. He knew Andreas fleetingly many years ago. He barely remembers him. He just remembers his eyes, and he has found this memory in my eyes. He is German. And I am happy that I can talk German to him here.
He told me, when I came to him for the first time, that he was a bit scared of me before my entrance at his place, as if he could possibly feel an aversion to me, especially since he had recently seen a couple of Andreas' photographs. When I was with him then, he said to me that every doubt had left him, doubt of my separate existence. He had only seen the woman in me, and when he thought of Andreas or spoke to me about Andreas, he had seen or felt a person next to me or behind me ...
He gave me a new German translation of the Bible. The first volume. "The Book in the Beginning" was the title, and within I read these words many times over:
"And the Earth was confusion and desert./Darkness all over an abyss. /The sound of God brooding over the waters everywhere."
Is it presumptuous of me that, if I think of my own beginnings, I always hear these words, these verses ring within me?"
- - -
"I often gave these loose sheets to the German friend to read. I asked him often when there is darkness within me. And then it is often a word from him that keeps me going. He understands the strange questioning within me, that building of bridges into the mist ..."
"Grete has returned from Italy. She is so happy and I am glad about her happiness.
She is living with me now. Because we no longer have to fear going out together. I have no more fear. Nobody on the street pays any attention to me.
Grete and I talk for many long nights. We talk of the life to come almost all the time, for her, for me. She also helps me every now and then when I can't go on writing down my confession. Then I can ask her, and she always knows the answer.
She talks a lot about Feruzzi. They want to marry soon, and Grete says that their home should then always be my home as well. Feruzzi knows everything and says he would always be my friend and my protector. And Grete says: "the both of us are so intimately connected to one another that I can never imagine having you far away from me."
Again and again she talks to me like that. And then she tells me also that I was not just her sister, but that I was also her grown daughter. And then Grete smiles. And I have to promise her to come visit her and Feruzzi soon after their wedding, and Feruzzi too will welcome me like his grown daughter. How happy those words make me!"
- - -
An old friend of Grete and Andreas, one of the few who had also accepted Lili among themselves, a well-known Copenhagen art dealer, advised having an exhibition of Andreas' paintings left behind at his place.
Together with Grete he had brought the entire estate from Copenhagen to Paris, about forty paintings, and in addition many of Grete's paintings.
But they advised Lili, who was preparing the exhibition together with Grete, under no circumstances to show herself at the opening of the exhibition. That it was an estate exhibition was strictly concealed from the newspapers. To avoid all gossip it was proclaimed that the exhibition was mainly to raise money for him from the sale of Andreas' most recent paintings, since he was still confined to a German clinic.
Invitations for the exhibition's opening were sent out.
Strictly speaking the exhibition couldn't raise too much attention, since Grete and Andreas had always held annual exhibitions in Copenhagen, specifically in the rooms of their art dealer friend.
A strange, downcast mood dominated the opening of the painting exhibition. The most intimate circle of friends had been let in on it of course. But the many others that had found their way there knew of the rumors that had been in circulation in Copenhagen for a long time. And all of those rumors, no matter how many times they had been disproven, returned like a phantom.
Nobody dared to buy even a single picture.
Lili's money was drying up. It depressed her that she might soon be forced to accept support from her relatives, however gladly they would have been offered it to her. Shocked she rejected a suggestion to sell her notes, her "confession" that was not finished yet.
An acquaintance then fell for the absurd idea that Lili should dress up as Andreas and appear at the exhibition like that to snuff out all rumors in that manner.
Grete was shocked at this suggestion no less than Lili was. That was when a friend, an editor at a leading Copenhagen newspaper, came to help Lili.
She had wanted for some time to write a factual essay on Lili's development. Lili had prevented that so far. Now the friend explained, the time had come when the public had to learn the whole truth. A known artist as Andreas had been could not just disappear. This was why it was only natural that the most fantastical rumors went around Copenhagen especially now that Andreas had been gone under mysterious circumstances for more than a year. And now she was determined to tell in her newspaper how a brilliant German surgeon had helped transform a deathly sick Andreas Sparre into a young, life-loving woman, into Lili Elbe. The work of the German surgeon must be communicated to the world. It simply must not remain a secret. One day the secret would have to be revealed anyway, and now the time had come.
With a heavy heart, convinced by Grete and all friends, Lili finally agreed.
The next day the essay was published and cleared the Copenhagen air. Like lightning the news went into the world press. Everywhere, in Europe and in America this extraordinary human fate was talked about. But, even though Lili had become a global celebrity and newspapers of all languages spread her picture everywhere, she walked around Copenhagen more peacefully than ever. What she had always feared, that her name would be called after her in the streets, did not come to pass.
Nobody with the exception of those few who knew her, thought even for a moment that the young lady who walked down the "Strög" almost every day and who was no different from other ladies, was the lengendary Lili Elbe. A few days after the publication of the first essay on her she happened to be standing in a group of people in front of the entry of a publishing house in which an illustrated article about her had just been published in a weekly, in order to buy a copy of this weekly magazine. Then she sat down in a streetcar and read her own story the way that many others in the same car did. Nobody cared about her although she was wearing the same coat and the same hat she did in the photographs in the essay.
After that "success" she was very calm and from now on had a variety of funny experiences.
She went to Andreas' exhibition daily, which was well attended by visitors, in the hope of seeing Lili Elbe. And almost all of the pictures were sold without a single visitor recognizing her.
Once an older lady came over to her and whispered: "Tell me Miss, do you not think that the slim lady back there, with the big feet and the tie, who looks like a man, is Lili Elbe?"
"Yes," Lili replied, "certainly, that is her."
On another day on which she was sitting in a manicure salon, a Swedish lady entered and called out loudly:
"Have you heard the story of Lili Elbe? Do you honestly believe there is something true to it?"
Everyone sitting in the salon explained that no matter how fantastical all of that sounded, it was certainly the truth. Only Lili, who for weeks had been among the regular visitors of the salon, pretended to not believe it.
"Of course this essay exaggerates," she remarked drily. Upon which all the ladies agreed that the newspapers exaggerated too much.
- - -
Lili's health improved noticeably now. Her nerves had become calm. She no longer needed to hide from people.
Also her legitimization papers were now in order. She could bear her name without dispute due to a royal decree. The exhibition had become a success. And she herself received many proofs of sympathy, especially from women. Ladies who did not know her at all sent her letters full of understanding and excitement. She was sent flowers from strangers. Different doctors offered to attend to her and monitor her health for free for as long as she stayed in Copenhagen.
"I am being turned into a heroine," she said to her friends. And she breathed easier and was happy about her life again.
- - -
And so March had come, and Grete could go back south with a good conscience, to Italy, to hold her wedding with Feruzzi.