Man Into Woman - Chapter 15 by Lili Elbe Lyrics
Many letters now passed from Lili to Paris and from Grete back to Lili. Lili did not have much to tell. She spent one day like the others, mostly in the garden. First small friendships were made with young women who expected delivery, and Lili got to know the small and big worries of the others. But she remained silent on her own worries. And if she was questioned in the true fashion of female curiosity, she never gave herself away. The closest friendship she made was with a young woman who expected her first child and lived entirely unhappily with her husband. She even spoke of divorce. Hardly had her husband sent her even a single line. Lili listened, gave words of solace, and when the young woman asked, if Lili, who was also never visited by her husband, maybe had even been divorced herself, she only nodded, startled. And then the young woman never asked again. Lili also made friends with an opera singer. Her first walks into the city she undertook with her. The opera singer had gotten word that Lili did not like to talk about her family affairs, and was polite enough not to ask questions. The whole city was full of spring. They spent many hours on the banks of the wide stream, which Lili had seen for the first time many weeks ago, when she had come from Berlin. How had the world and her life changed since then! In every letter that Lili sent to Paris, she talked of this. Those were almost happy letters full of unconcern and spring joy. And letters Lili received from Paris brought only happy news and much heartfelt consolation. Elena and Ernesto often sent along greetings with Grete. And quiet, loving words came from Claude. There was almost no day on which Lili did not write her friends happy, confident words. These were quiet days and weeks, in which Lili never posed a question. Everything heavy seemed to have dropped off her. Remain here forever. Never to leave here. That was her daily prayer. And so she forgot her fear. She felt immune to all hardship. She was like a piece of soil that had been cleared, cleared for the first time. And if she watched her body, at first hesitant and then increasingly confident, she felt a sweet, secret joy. Because she saw how everything on her was stretching and tightening. How miracle upon miracle happened to her. And in those nightly hours alone with herself and her joy, she could stand before the mirror and look at the image of her young woman's body. It shone immaculately in the silvery blankness of the mirror. But she did not dare to tell any creature on earth of her joy, that she felt in those quiet hours.
Then the Professor stood before her on a morning in the last week of May. And she saw in him that he was satisfied with his work, with her.
And so June came to pass.
"Now you are strong enough," the Professor explained one day, "that I can enact another procedure with you."
Lili was surprised. "A new operation?" she replied, "but why?"
The Professor looked at her with very serious eyes. "Are you afraid?" Startled Lili denied. "No, no."
"Well," he said, "then don't ask. I just want to help you, so the work can succeed completely."
And a few days later that operation too was over.
Tired, heavy, painful days and weeks followed. The bed did not want to let her go. The summer that was beginning outside, only sent much sunlight and many flowers into her white hospital room. And when she was first allowed to get up again, she was so weak that she could not take a single step.
And again Lili lay in her reclining chair in the garden. It was July already. Bees buzzed from flower to flower and the birds rejoiced in the full trees. The silver birches now had their summer foliage, and when the wind stirred it, Lili thought she heard a fine, glassy bright ringing.
Then someone called her name: "Lili!" And the next moment she lay in Grete's arms.
And now came days full of happiness and safety. Grete came day after day in the early morning and guarded every step that Lili began to take quietly again on the summerly walkways of the garden. And Lili blossomed a bit more with every new day. And soon she could wander through the park again, careless and happy, freed from all pain and exhaustion. And then Grete and Lili went like two good sisters arm in arm on voyages of discovery into the city.
One evening when she returned with Grete to the garden, the Professor went over to her.
"Professor, now I am all healthy. But ..." There she stopped.
"Well?"
"Could I stay for a few months, here with you? Even if you don't have to operate on me any more?"
He looked at her, smiling, and shook his head. "No, it is now time for you get out into the world and spread your wings."
That same night Lili found a bird's nest. It hung up beneath the roof of the covered walkway, that lead from the private apartment of the Professor to the clinic. A small family of sparrows. The father sparrow and the mother sparrow tweeted, and the sparrow younglings cheeped. Maybe a little family feud, Lili thought. Suddenly one of the younglings fell out of the nest and remained lying there helpless on the grass. Beat its tiny wings, tried to fly up again, but to no avail. And the parents came rushing out of the nest, down to the lawn, fluttered around the youngling. Fear of death screamed out of their twittering. They could not get the youngling back into the nest. Lili then went over to the little bird, took it in her hand, caressed it carefully and could feel in her hand how the tiny heart was beating. Suddenly the Matron stands next to her. "But why are you crying, Miss Lili?" And Lili hands her the little bird, silently. "It fell out of the nest. Can't fly yet. And the parents can't help it. I had to think of myself. I also can't yet..." and she gave the tiny bird to the Matron, and the Matron fetched some steps and put the little bird back with the parents and siblings in the nest.
Then the Professor stood before her on a morning in the last week of May. And she saw in him that he was satisfied with his work, with her.
And so June came to pass.
"Now you are strong enough," the Professor explained one day, "that I can enact another procedure with you."
Lili was surprised. "A new operation?" she replied, "but why?"
The Professor looked at her with very serious eyes. "Are you afraid?" Startled Lili denied. "No, no."
"Well," he said, "then don't ask. I just want to help you, so the work can succeed completely."
And a few days later that operation too was over.
Tired, heavy, painful days and weeks followed. The bed did not want to let her go. The summer that was beginning outside, only sent much sunlight and many flowers into her white hospital room. And when she was first allowed to get up again, she was so weak that she could not take a single step.
And again Lili lay in her reclining chair in the garden. It was July already. Bees buzzed from flower to flower and the birds rejoiced in the full trees. The silver birches now had their summer foliage, and when the wind stirred it, Lili thought she heard a fine, glassy bright ringing.
Then someone called her name: "Lili!" And the next moment she lay in Grete's arms.
And now came days full of happiness and safety. Grete came day after day in the early morning and guarded every step that Lili began to take quietly again on the summerly walkways of the garden. And Lili blossomed a bit more with every new day. And soon she could wander through the park again, careless and happy, freed from all pain and exhaustion. And then Grete and Lili went like two good sisters arm in arm on voyages of discovery into the city.
One evening when she returned with Grete to the garden, the Professor went over to her.
"Professor, now I am all healthy. But ..." There she stopped.
"Well?"
"Could I stay for a few months, here with you? Even if you don't have to operate on me any more?"
He looked at her, smiling, and shook his head. "No, it is now time for you get out into the world and spread your wings."
That same night Lili found a bird's nest. It hung up beneath the roof of the covered walkway, that lead from the private apartment of the Professor to the clinic. A small family of sparrows. The father sparrow and the mother sparrow tweeted, and the sparrow younglings cheeped. Maybe a little family feud, Lili thought. Suddenly one of the younglings fell out of the nest and remained lying there helpless on the grass. Beat its tiny wings, tried to fly up again, but to no avail. And the parents came rushing out of the nest, down to the lawn, fluttered around the youngling. Fear of death screamed out of their twittering. They could not get the youngling back into the nest. Lili then went over to the little bird, took it in her hand, caressed it carefully and could feel in her hand how the tiny heart was beating. Suddenly the Matron stands next to her. "But why are you crying, Miss Lili?" And Lili hands her the little bird, silently. "It fell out of the nest. Can't fly yet. And the parents can't help it. I had to think of myself. I also can't yet..." and she gave the tiny bird to the Matron, and the Matron fetched some steps and put the little bird back with the parents and siblings in the nest.