Man Into Woman - Chapter 14 by Lili Elbe Lyrics
Spring, the big miracle worker, also came to her help. She still spent a lot of days in the white hospital room, constrained to her bed. But with every new day her life became healthier. The pain dissipated. Everything went its normal way. The Professor was happy with her. She was still exhausted. And that apparently was why her entire thinking was still as if behind a veil, and that most of the day she lay there, closеd up within herself, dreaming. Shе did not care about the world out there. She barely felt it. She left newspapers and books that were brought to her untouched. She had just one wish: that things would never be any different and that she could stay here forever, here within the peace of the "Women's Clinic." And when she now and then thought of that there would come the day that she had to go out into the outside world, beyond the garden wall of this big, quiet building, then fear fell over her, boundless fear. And so she developed the wish to become a nurse, to stay here, to build up her strength, so that, once healthy, she could help other women here in the secure peace. Now and then she talked about this with Grete or with the Matron, and with other nurses. And they just nodded. Once she asked Grete if she should not talk about this with the Professor. "You should," Grete said. But a new fear came over Lili immediately. "If the professor says no? Maybe I will never become strong enough. Maybe he will say that he hasn't saved me for that ..." And Grete had no answer. And for many nights her fear of the life out there sought shelter in another quiet thought. Maybe she should go to a convent, become a nun? And she dreamed herself into the distant, remote monasteries somewhere in Italy or Spain or southern Germany. And nobody there should know where she came from, what fate she had experienced. Nobody ... And for hours she would then cry from fear of her life out there, of this life that she perceived as an enemy. There her secret would be unveiled.
She would be seen as a phenomenon. Her fate would be pulled apart, she would be stared at, not be left in peace...
And the healthier her body became, the more she feared for her future among people. But she did not dare to talk about it to others any more.
Then finally the morning came when she was allowed to leave the hospital room for the first time. They pushed her out on a recliner into the warm, sunny April morning. She had been laid down in the middle of a soft green lawn. It was her first unburdened happy day. She was a newborn. All of her senses were fresh and full of astonishment. All of her senses were full of astonishment. She saw every insect that moved in the blue, sunny air, every flapping of wings from tree to tree. The smell of small, yellow, pale red and white spring flowers in the hedges and flower beds were like a new message to her. And with reverent eyes she saw a magnolia tree, that held its large, bare buds in the sunny air. Two birds sat on a branch, huddled close together. And Lili closed her eyes. Soft wind played in the white birch trees. Somewhere birds were singing.
"Do not open your eyes, just listen, just breathe." She did not know anything else. The Professor found her like that. "You look so happy," he said and caressed her hand.
"My life is your work," she thought. "And I want to thank you so much for the first day of spring in my life. Because you have been merciful to me. I believe I am the happiest being on Earth." But all of this remained unspoken, she just felt it in her heart. "You look so happy," said the Professor. And she only replied: "Yes, Professor."
And there were many happy spring days. And finally the day came when she could get up from her recliner and could take the first steps through the garden on the arm of Grete or a nurse. Everything was as before, and yet everything was so changed, she thought. And on all pathways she again saw young, pregnant women, - blue crocuses, she thought, smiling.
-- -- --
One morning, before she had wandered out into the park, Grete and the Matron came into her room and handed her a sealed letter. It had come from Berlin. And she opened the letter. She was seized by a feeling of deep admiration. A few weeks ago, the Professor had said that he wanted to help her to be regarded in the outside world as what she was, a woman.
He had promised her to write to the Danish Embassy in Berlin. And now she took a passport out of the envelope, her passport with her own photograph, and on the passport it said her name, which she had chosen out of gratitude to the city in which she had found peace and life: Lili Elbe.
She sank down in the chair and only said very softly: "Leave me alone a little." And Grete and the Matron understood her and walked out. Long and quietly Lili kept sitting in the chair. She then went quietly and hesitantly out into the garden, sat on a bench there, that was all bathed in sunlight. Her passport, this small booklet, she held like a precious gift in both hands. It was the second to last day of April. In two days it would be the first of May. Andreas had kept his promise. He was dead, and she was alive, - Lili Elbe.
The Professor found her like that. He sat down next to her. Nothing was said. The next morning he came again, and his voice was softer than usual. His somewhat stern face was beaming with kindness. He held both her hands, told her many good, hopeful words. In a few hours he would go on a journey. Lili knew that. He would be gone for a few weeks. She pulled herself together and tried to thank him for everything that he had been for her. But she could not utter a single word. And when he had gone, she felt hopelessly abandoned. Just one thing gave her solace; that she was allowed to stay in this asylum that he had given her. And that she could await his return here.
He wanted to go to the South.
And a few days later, it had become so lonesome and empty, Easter had passed, then Grete too bid farewell to her. She had to return to Paris for some time. It was on a Monday morning. The car that should bring Grete to the train stopped in the boulevard in front of the "Women's Clinic." Lili accompanied her out. They were the first steps Lili dared to take into the world, beyond the garden wall. And as Lili returned to the garden alone, at first she did not know where to go now.
She would be seen as a phenomenon. Her fate would be pulled apart, she would be stared at, not be left in peace...
And the healthier her body became, the more she feared for her future among people. But she did not dare to talk about it to others any more.
Then finally the morning came when she was allowed to leave the hospital room for the first time. They pushed her out on a recliner into the warm, sunny April morning. She had been laid down in the middle of a soft green lawn. It was her first unburdened happy day. She was a newborn. All of her senses were fresh and full of astonishment. All of her senses were full of astonishment. She saw every insect that moved in the blue, sunny air, every flapping of wings from tree to tree. The smell of small, yellow, pale red and white spring flowers in the hedges and flower beds were like a new message to her. And with reverent eyes she saw a magnolia tree, that held its large, bare buds in the sunny air. Two birds sat on a branch, huddled close together. And Lili closed her eyes. Soft wind played in the white birch trees. Somewhere birds were singing.
"Do not open your eyes, just listen, just breathe." She did not know anything else. The Professor found her like that. "You look so happy," he said and caressed her hand.
"My life is your work," she thought. "And I want to thank you so much for the first day of spring in my life. Because you have been merciful to me. I believe I am the happiest being on Earth." But all of this remained unspoken, she just felt it in her heart. "You look so happy," said the Professor. And she only replied: "Yes, Professor."
And there were many happy spring days. And finally the day came when she could get up from her recliner and could take the first steps through the garden on the arm of Grete or a nurse. Everything was as before, and yet everything was so changed, she thought. And on all pathways she again saw young, pregnant women, - blue crocuses, she thought, smiling.
-- -- --
One morning, before she had wandered out into the park, Grete and the Matron came into her room and handed her a sealed letter. It had come from Berlin. And she opened the letter. She was seized by a feeling of deep admiration. A few weeks ago, the Professor had said that he wanted to help her to be regarded in the outside world as what she was, a woman.
He had promised her to write to the Danish Embassy in Berlin. And now she took a passport out of the envelope, her passport with her own photograph, and on the passport it said her name, which she had chosen out of gratitude to the city in which she had found peace and life: Lili Elbe.
She sank down in the chair and only said very softly: "Leave me alone a little." And Grete and the Matron understood her and walked out. Long and quietly Lili kept sitting in the chair. She then went quietly and hesitantly out into the garden, sat on a bench there, that was all bathed in sunlight. Her passport, this small booklet, she held like a precious gift in both hands. It was the second to last day of April. In two days it would be the first of May. Andreas had kept his promise. He was dead, and she was alive, - Lili Elbe.
The Professor found her like that. He sat down next to her. Nothing was said. The next morning he came again, and his voice was softer than usual. His somewhat stern face was beaming with kindness. He held both her hands, told her many good, hopeful words. In a few hours he would go on a journey. Lili knew that. He would be gone for a few weeks. She pulled herself together and tried to thank him for everything that he had been for her. But she could not utter a single word. And when he had gone, she felt hopelessly abandoned. Just one thing gave her solace; that she was allowed to stay in this asylum that he had given her. And that she could await his return here.
He wanted to go to the South.
And a few days later, it had become so lonesome and empty, Easter had passed, then Grete too bid farewell to her. She had to return to Paris for some time. It was on a Monday morning. The car that should bring Grete to the train stopped in the boulevard in front of the "Women's Clinic." Lili accompanied her out. They were the first steps Lili dared to take into the world, beyond the garden wall. And as Lili returned to the garden alone, at first she did not know where to go now.