Enagin - The Old Me by Enagin Lyrics
[Verse 1: Enagin]
This goes out to anyone who's goin' through anxiety, depression, or mental health
This is my story, of the old me
The me, before I met her
Let's go
[Hook: Breana Marin]
If I stumble
If I fall (If I fall)
If I ever lose it all (Yuh, if I lose it)
When my back hits the wall, I'll still be standing (Right here, standin' tall)
If I crumble I'm gone (I'm gone)
If I cry until I'm numb (Yuh, I can't feel)
When the lights go out
That's when I illuminate
Illuminate
Illuminate
Illuminate
That's when I illuminate
[Verse 2: Enagin]
Feels like the devil is watchin' me
There ain't no guardian angels guiden' me
Pain on the inside, but normal I try to be
Deep depression, I'm feelin' anxiety
Pills, and cuts, the only way I can cope
Suicidal, think I might tie the rope
All of these people who don't understand
But how do I trust, my heart's been scammed
Dragging me down, just like quicksand
Five, six, seven, pop a few xans
Gotta be sneaky, can't let my fam know
Fake head up high, whenever it's low
Slowly, I'm runnin' out of things to believe in
And lately, I don't even wanna be in my skin
Here comes the night, I'm not ready to fight
More darkness ahead, there was never daylight
I hate to admit, that I'm never awright'
I've been waitin' all day, it's finally midnight
Before I cut, gotta turn off the light
Pull out the blade, go ahead and draw a shape
Across my skin, the only time that I win
All these life problems, I just really wanna die
She told me, she loved me, I knew it was a lie
I wanna fly, fly away to another dimension
Somewhere that I can just comprehend my depression
Yuh, listen, I know it could be worse, I know it's not a curse
And no, that's not the last verse
And yuh, I'm suicidal, I hate to admit
I wanna grab a knife, and just start to slit
I thought it had ended, that there was no more
Then this girl came, with hope in her eyes
She changed me, from this world of hurt and lies
Didn't know it could happen, no more depression
(Yuh, stay strong)
[Hook: Breana Marin]
If I stumble
If I fall (If I fall)
If I ever lose it all (Yuh, if I lose it)
When my back hits the wall, I'll still be standing (Right here, standin' tall)
If I crumble I'm gone (I'm gone)
If I cry till I'm numb (Yuh, I can't feel)
When the lights go out
That's when I illuminate
Illuminate
Illuminate (That was the end of my story, but this is what would've happened)
Illuminate (If I never met her)
That's when I illuminate (What would've happened, without her)
[Verse 3: Enagin]
The devil tried to make me his prodigy
Heaven to hell, which one is callin' me
And I hope it's hell, feels like I'm trapped in a cell
Every time I did a line, every time I lit a joint
Every time I took a shot, it would set the mode
So I'm sittin' in my room gettin' high now
Doors locked, music up, with the lights out
I take another joint, then the room filled with smoke
Five, six, seven hours till I knockout
More pills, now they're gone
And the high fades for a moment, but for not too long
And that's when it really sinks in, it's hits in, takin' all these drugs won't fix me
Curled up on the floor, I can't take it anymore
And now I'm talkin' to God, cause he the only one that gets me
On my knees lookin' up, can't stop cryin'
"God, I know we haven't talked in a long time"
"But this time I really need you, please God help me"
"Give me a sign, cause now I'm fallin' apart"
"I don't think I can do it, God, give me the strength to pull through it"
That's when I stood up, got a pen and a notepad
I just couldn't see it gettin' any better, so I sat down, and wrote a couple letters
One to my mom, one to my dad, couple to my siblings, some to the haters
Tear drops on a paper, one after another
"This is what you get, for not loving me when I'm here"
"And the reason I'm writin' you to see this, is to say goodbye to you, I'm leavin'"
"But don't hold your breathe, cause I ain't ever comin' back"
"Sincerely yours, Rafa"
[Hook: Breana Marin & Enagin]
If I stumble
If I fall (If I fall)
If I ever lose it all (Yuh, if I lose it)
When my back hits the wall, I'll still be standing (Right here, standin' tall)
If I crumble I'm gone (I'm gone)
If I cry until I'm numb (Yuh, I can't feel)
When the lights go out
That's when I illuminate (I just wanna say thank you for everything)
Illuminate (All our memories, the good and bad ones, I'll miss them, I'll miss you)
Illuminate (You were the one who taught me what love really is, you were the one who brought poetry into my life)
Illuminate (And whether your his or mine)
That's when I illuminate (I will always love you for that, thank you)
This goes out to anyone who's goin' through anxiety, depression, or mental health
This is my story, of the old me
The me, before I met her
Let's go
[Hook: Breana Marin]
If I stumble
If I fall (If I fall)
If I ever lose it all (Yuh, if I lose it)
When my back hits the wall, I'll still be standing (Right here, standin' tall)
If I crumble I'm gone (I'm gone)
If I cry until I'm numb (Yuh, I can't feel)
When the lights go out
That's when I illuminate
Illuminate
Illuminate
Illuminate
That's when I illuminate
[Verse 2: Enagin]
Feels like the devil is watchin' me
There ain't no guardian angels guiden' me
Pain on the inside, but normal I try to be
Deep depression, I'm feelin' anxiety
Pills, and cuts, the only way I can cope
Suicidal, think I might tie the rope
All of these people who don't understand
But how do I trust, my heart's been scammed
Dragging me down, just like quicksand
Five, six, seven, pop a few xans
Gotta be sneaky, can't let my fam know
Fake head up high, whenever it's low
Slowly, I'm runnin' out of things to believe in
And lately, I don't even wanna be in my skin
Here comes the night, I'm not ready to fight
More darkness ahead, there was never daylight
I hate to admit, that I'm never awright'
I've been waitin' all day, it's finally midnight
Before I cut, gotta turn off the light
Pull out the blade, go ahead and draw a shape
Across my skin, the only time that I win
All these life problems, I just really wanna die
She told me, she loved me, I knew it was a lie
I wanna fly, fly away to another dimension
Somewhere that I can just comprehend my depression
Yuh, listen, I know it could be worse, I know it's not a curse
And no, that's not the last verse
And yuh, I'm suicidal, I hate to admit
I wanna grab a knife, and just start to slit
I thought it had ended, that there was no more
Then this girl came, with hope in her eyes
She changed me, from this world of hurt and lies
Didn't know it could happen, no more depression
(Yuh, stay strong)
[Hook: Breana Marin]
If I stumble
If I fall (If I fall)
If I ever lose it all (Yuh, if I lose it)
When my back hits the wall, I'll still be standing (Right here, standin' tall)
If I crumble I'm gone (I'm gone)
If I cry till I'm numb (Yuh, I can't feel)
When the lights go out
That's when I illuminate
Illuminate
Illuminate (That was the end of my story, but this is what would've happened)
Illuminate (If I never met her)
That's when I illuminate (What would've happened, without her)
[Verse 3: Enagin]
The devil tried to make me his prodigy
Heaven to hell, which one is callin' me
And I hope it's hell, feels like I'm trapped in a cell
Every time I did a line, every time I lit a joint
Every time I took a shot, it would set the mode
So I'm sittin' in my room gettin' high now
Doors locked, music up, with the lights out
I take another joint, then the room filled with smoke
Five, six, seven hours till I knockout
More pills, now they're gone
And the high fades for a moment, but for not too long
And that's when it really sinks in, it's hits in, takin' all these drugs won't fix me
Curled up on the floor, I can't take it anymore
And now I'm talkin' to God, cause he the only one that gets me
On my knees lookin' up, can't stop cryin'
"God, I know we haven't talked in a long time"
"But this time I really need you, please God help me"
"Give me a sign, cause now I'm fallin' apart"
"I don't think I can do it, God, give me the strength to pull through it"
That's when I stood up, got a pen and a notepad
I just couldn't see it gettin' any better, so I sat down, and wrote a couple letters
One to my mom, one to my dad, couple to my siblings, some to the haters
Tear drops on a paper, one after another
"This is what you get, for not loving me when I'm here"
"And the reason I'm writin' you to see this, is to say goodbye to you, I'm leavin'"
"But don't hold your breathe, cause I ain't ever comin' back"
"Sincerely yours, Rafa"
[Hook: Breana Marin & Enagin]
If I stumble
If I fall (If I fall)
If I ever lose it all (Yuh, if I lose it)
When my back hits the wall, I'll still be standing (Right here, standin' tall)
If I crumble I'm gone (I'm gone)
If I cry until I'm numb (Yuh, I can't feel)
When the lights go out
That's when I illuminate (I just wanna say thank you for everything)
Illuminate (All our memories, the good and bad ones, I'll miss them, I'll miss you)
Illuminate (You were the one who taught me what love really is, you were the one who brought poetry into my life)
Illuminate (And whether your his or mine)
That's when I illuminate (I will always love you for that, thank you)