Why I am Quite Handy with the Ladies by Emo Philips Lyrics

Lot of hot mamas here in Boston. You know who you are. I was a girl watching the other day, hey ladies look your slip is showing, they’d look down and see me in the manhole. Yeah. I had a girlfriend. I remember the first day we met, I was waiting for my friend to show up at the tennis court, and I saw this girl waiting for her friend, I thought time to pour on the charm< i said how’s it going, we shall see little whore of Babylon. She walks over, and says, want to double up, so she kicks me in the groin. It was great. I thought I’d never see her again, then one day I’m walking along the beach. And I see this girl out in the water, waving, and there is no one else around so I swim out here, and I'm not as good a swimmer as I used to be, you know thanks to evolution. And, I get out there, she said, I have cramps, I said well thanks for leading me on. She says, save me. I said I will if you go out with me. And she thinks for a minute. And says, okay. Hah. Quite handy with the ladies. That night we’re at the movie theater, and there’s this really ugly slimy pervert, besides me. Besides me. He says if this seat is saved if the aquatint reasoned that even animals have souls, how much less chance does an inanimate object like a chair have of gaining salvation. He says I mean is there anyone sitting here, ambiguity. The devils’ volleyball. Anyway, he puts his head on my knee and starts moving it, slowing up and down my leg. I thought the jokes on him. It’s asleep. Anyway, I’m driving my girlfriend home and I thought why don’t I try that. And I put my hand in her hand, and I started squeezing faster, faster. I had a rubber glove I was safe. And we came to a dark secluded spot, and we both got into the back seat, and the car sped out of control. Well. I noticed a chill in our relationship after that, I kept trying though I bought her a very nice ring, she said I don't like this ring, I said you picked it out, it’s not my fault you can’t operate the little crane better. Anyway, I said, what do you want? She said I don’t know, surprise me, just get me something crazy and expensive I won't even need. So I signed her up for radiation treatment. Well, she broke up with me a few months later, a few months later I ran into her at a mulching seminary. She invited me to go to her wedding the following Saturday, well while I'm at the wedding I remember I was missing the world series, and I love baseball. When I was the kid I was the catcher, which I loved. Until one day I saw a game on television. I said hold on there now, why does that catch no have his hands tied to his ankles. They’re kidders. Anyway, I’m at the wedding and I’m listening to the ball game on my walkman, which i found for my free, on a busy street next to this dead roller skater, and just as the minister says, if anyone has a reason why this couple shouldn’t be joined speak now or forever hold your peace, the pitcher let in another run, and forgetting where I was I yelled: “Darn it ya loser how many of these sticking bums you gonna let score!” Well. I thought there’s only one way to redeem myself, to make a big fat pot of coleslaw for the reception so I’m at home chopping the cabbage and this mouse runs across the countertop and I accidentally decapitated him and I couldn’t find the head anywhere, that night at the reception everyone is saying this is the best coleslaw we ever had, and the bride's mother she reaches into her mouth and pulls out the head of the Roden thinking quickly I say, we have a winner! People are picky about coleslaw, I don't blame her, I made my grandmother some coleslaw, I guess I didn't chop the pieces up fine enough. Cause it clogs her ivs. Anyway, the hostess, the bride's mother, says emo makes you comfortable, so I pulled down my pants and sat in the pudding. She said you didn’t leave a very good impression. Looks symmetrical to me, anyway. We start to dance, I’m tearing up the dance floor, you know because I have a nail in my heel. And I'm dancing with the bride's mother, and she dies. But then everyone starts to die, and I thought what is this? And someone says bad coleslaw, and I run to the coleslaw and there are dead bodies all around it, and a voice from the cole says, emo, I command you to eat me. I thought this coleslaw this coleslaw is possessed by belle bubba the cabbage demon, is aid behind me, an evil side order of Lucifer, and he says eat me, I say no, he says eat me and finally I can’t help it, I pledge my head into the coleslaw and I’m eating and eating and I bite into this tape recorder, and everyone rising up on the floor laughing, I always fall for that trick.