Eulogy Of A Teenage Drama Queen Script by Eli Fritch Lyrics
INT. INTERVIEW ROOM
VIVIAN walks into the room, stands in front of the camera,
then sits down. The camera refocuses on her. VIVIAN tilts her
head at the camera and moves her hand to gesture INTERVIEWER to begin.
INTERVIEWER
So how about you introduce yourself.
VIVIAN stops looking around her then looks to the
interviewer.
VIVIAN
Ehm, Hi, my name is Vivian, I'm seventeen years old, and I'm dead. Is that good?
INTERVIEWER
Yeah, that'll do. Where are we right now?
VIVIAN
I don't know. Somewhere black clearly.
INTERVIEWER
Do you think this is heaven?
VIVIAN
Heaven? No. I don't really believe in that. If this were heaven, there'd probably be like an Orange Julius and some early 2000's music playing on the radio. Instead, I'm sitting in a black room with a bald man in front of me.
Oh my god, if I went to kiss your forehead, we'd just go on forever. I'd start at your eyebrows and move down to the nape of your neck.
Ehm but, If God were real, he would've answered my prayers about giving me bangs before puberty and not make it look like I have a personality disorder.
INTERVIEWER
How about we talk about your memories.
VIVIAN gives a short nod to give a nonverbal cue to INTERVIEWER to continue.
INTERVIEWER
What do you think about some of your memories?
VIVIAN
Well... I did some really cringey shit when I was alive.
INT. VIVIAN'S BEDROOM
PAST VIVIAN is seen with the phone in her hand. PRESENT VIVIAN comes into the doorway and watches herself.
PHONE GUY
So we've been dating for like a week now and I just wanted to tell that I love you.
PAST VIVIAN
(smirking)
No, I love you.
PHONE GUY
No, I love you more.
PAST VIVIAN
No, I love you more.
PHONE GUY
No, I love you more.
PAST VIVIAN
No, I love you.
PHONE GUY
No, I love you.
PAST VIVIAN
No, I love you most.
The back-and-forth can still be heard when PRESENT VIVIAN
turns to the camera.
VIVIAN
Ew.
PRESENT VIVIAN turns back and shuts the door on that memory.
INT. INTERVIEW ROOM
INTERVIEWER
Do you have any fun stories?
VIVIAN
You know, I never told anyone this when I was alive, but I had a terrible taste in men.
INT. CAFE - DAY
VIVIAN is sitting across from a MAN at a cafe. VIVIAN is
twiddling with her thumbs when she looks up and asks MAN a
question.
PAST VIVIAN
So what are some of your favorite movies?
MAN
Oh you know, [?] Pulp Fiction. You know, peak of cinema.
VIVIAN awkwardly smiles and says
PAST VIVIAN
Right, right. Oh, some of my favorite movies are-
MAN
(interrupting)
Wait. Let me guess. The feminist ones? You know like, Sofia Coppola?
PAST VIVIAN
Ehm, Yeah, I guess so? You know I really have to go to the bathroom.
MAN
Come back when you have better taste in cinema.
VIVIAN gets up and walks towards the restroom but hides
around the corner and watches MAN. After a few moments, he
leaves the cafe.
VIVIAN sighs a sigh of relief.
INT. VIVIAN'S BEDROOM
VIVIAN
(voiceover)
Or maybe the time that I broadcast my breakdown of turning seventeen on the internet.
VIVIAN is recording herself with a face filter on while monologuing.
PAST VIVIAN
I'm celebrating my birthday by treating myself... like shit! If my body is a temple, then I'm practically on my knees begging for a religious-based hate crime. I can't believe I'm already seventeen. By this time next week, I might as well just start going into preventative botox.
INT. INTERVIEW ROOM
INTERVIEWER
Do you have any regrets?
VIVIAN
Oh yeah. Opening a Twitter account. It's filled with people plagued with the ever-present feeling that the world owes them something. It's where rational thought chokes on its own vomit, fall down a flight of stairs, and dies. I gotta be honest, though, Twitter was my cry for help turned passion project. I also never finished this screenplay writing about a sentient car living in France called The Hatchback of Notre Dame. You know, maybe if I had finished it, I would've became posthumously famous. Eh, whatever.
VIVIAN talks using grand hand gestures to convey her story.
INTERVIEWER
It seems like you're kind of a bitch... do you wanna talk about that?
VIVIAN rolls her eyes
VIVIAN
Well, of course, it's insanely obvious. I never really was one for subtlety, was I? But... at least I know what I want... it's attention! I think it all started back in elementary school when I fell of the monkey bar then I broke my arm on purpose so everyone could sign my cast.
INTERVIEWER
(annoyed)
Any final comments?
VIVIAN
I seriously died, and all I got was this interview?
VIVIAN stares into the camera until she eventually gets up
then leaves the interview room. The camera remains where it
was as credits begin to roll.
VIVIAN walks into the room, stands in front of the camera,
then sits down. The camera refocuses on her. VIVIAN tilts her
head at the camera and moves her hand to gesture INTERVIEWER to begin.
INTERVIEWER
So how about you introduce yourself.
VIVIAN stops looking around her then looks to the
interviewer.
VIVIAN
Ehm, Hi, my name is Vivian, I'm seventeen years old, and I'm dead. Is that good?
INTERVIEWER
Yeah, that'll do. Where are we right now?
VIVIAN
I don't know. Somewhere black clearly.
INTERVIEWER
Do you think this is heaven?
VIVIAN
Heaven? No. I don't really believe in that. If this were heaven, there'd probably be like an Orange Julius and some early 2000's music playing on the radio. Instead, I'm sitting in a black room with a bald man in front of me.
Oh my god, if I went to kiss your forehead, we'd just go on forever. I'd start at your eyebrows and move down to the nape of your neck.
Ehm but, If God were real, he would've answered my prayers about giving me bangs before puberty and not make it look like I have a personality disorder.
INTERVIEWER
How about we talk about your memories.
VIVIAN gives a short nod to give a nonverbal cue to INTERVIEWER to continue.
INTERVIEWER
What do you think about some of your memories?
VIVIAN
Well... I did some really cringey shit when I was alive.
INT. VIVIAN'S BEDROOM
PAST VIVIAN is seen with the phone in her hand. PRESENT VIVIAN comes into the doorway and watches herself.
PHONE GUY
So we've been dating for like a week now and I just wanted to tell that I love you.
PAST VIVIAN
(smirking)
No, I love you.
PHONE GUY
No, I love you more.
PAST VIVIAN
No, I love you more.
PHONE GUY
No, I love you more.
PAST VIVIAN
No, I love you.
PHONE GUY
No, I love you.
PAST VIVIAN
No, I love you most.
The back-and-forth can still be heard when PRESENT VIVIAN
turns to the camera.
VIVIAN
Ew.
PRESENT VIVIAN turns back and shuts the door on that memory.
INT. INTERVIEW ROOM
INTERVIEWER
Do you have any fun stories?
VIVIAN
You know, I never told anyone this when I was alive, but I had a terrible taste in men.
INT. CAFE - DAY
VIVIAN is sitting across from a MAN at a cafe. VIVIAN is
twiddling with her thumbs when she looks up and asks MAN a
question.
PAST VIVIAN
So what are some of your favorite movies?
MAN
Oh you know, [?] Pulp Fiction. You know, peak of cinema.
VIVIAN awkwardly smiles and says
PAST VIVIAN
Right, right. Oh, some of my favorite movies are-
MAN
(interrupting)
Wait. Let me guess. The feminist ones? You know like, Sofia Coppola?
PAST VIVIAN
Ehm, Yeah, I guess so? You know I really have to go to the bathroom.
MAN
Come back when you have better taste in cinema.
VIVIAN gets up and walks towards the restroom but hides
around the corner and watches MAN. After a few moments, he
leaves the cafe.
VIVIAN sighs a sigh of relief.
INT. VIVIAN'S BEDROOM
VIVIAN
(voiceover)
Or maybe the time that I broadcast my breakdown of turning seventeen on the internet.
VIVIAN is recording herself with a face filter on while monologuing.
PAST VIVIAN
I'm celebrating my birthday by treating myself... like shit! If my body is a temple, then I'm practically on my knees begging for a religious-based hate crime. I can't believe I'm already seventeen. By this time next week, I might as well just start going into preventative botox.
INT. INTERVIEW ROOM
INTERVIEWER
Do you have any regrets?
VIVIAN
Oh yeah. Opening a Twitter account. It's filled with people plagued with the ever-present feeling that the world owes them something. It's where rational thought chokes on its own vomit, fall down a flight of stairs, and dies. I gotta be honest, though, Twitter was my cry for help turned passion project. I also never finished this screenplay writing about a sentient car living in France called The Hatchback of Notre Dame. You know, maybe if I had finished it, I would've became posthumously famous. Eh, whatever.
VIVIAN talks using grand hand gestures to convey her story.
INTERVIEWER
It seems like you're kind of a bitch... do you wanna talk about that?
VIVIAN rolls her eyes
VIVIAN
Well, of course, it's insanely obvious. I never really was one for subtlety, was I? But... at least I know what I want... it's attention! I think it all started back in elementary school when I fell of the monkey bar then I broke my arm on purpose so everyone could sign my cast.
INTERVIEWER
(annoyed)
Any final comments?
VIVIAN
I seriously died, and all I got was this interview?
VIVIAN stares into the camera until she eventually gets up
then leaves the interview room. The camera remains where it
was as credits begin to roll.