Mommy Dearest by Doug Anthony Allstars Lyrics

[PAUL Spoken: I didn't mention my mother before, but, uh, I'd like to do that now. My mother and I never really got on much because, uh, she died in childbirth... which is something she always fuckin' held against me, y'know? Remember that I had the boys around for dinner the other night, had some lovely roast duck. And just in the middle of the roast duck mum said, "Mother killer! Mother killer! Mother killer!" Which fuckin' brought the whole tone of the evening down. She didn't even like me when I was a child. She used to give me to the next-door neighbour to breastfeed... and he was a man. So this song goes out to all the mothers in the audience tonight, every single one of them. And it goes out to any woman in the audience, tonight, that thinks maybe one day she will become a mother. And it goes out to any woman in the audience tonight who may become a mother, later on this evening. Matter of fact, it goes out to anyone in the audience who was ever born of a mother. Which fuckin' rules you out, you ugly bastard!]

Hi Ma, I've come back home
'Cause I don't like this world we live in
For all my faults and failures
Please tell me I'm forgiven
I want my old womb back
My cosy cubby-hole
I want to be your child again
Before I get too old

Mummy dearest, mother mine
It's me your baby boy
I know what's lacking in your life
That old maternal joy
So let's boil up some water
No need to get a nurse
It'll be just like the virgin birth
But only in reverse

Mummy dearest, mother mine
It's me your only son
Freud would have a field day
Trying to understand this one
Let's have a natural re-entry
Most doctors say it's easier
But I've brought a butchers knife
Just in case you want a Caesar
[PAUL Spoken: Uh-uh-uh-uh! Blood, Mother! Blood! Blood! Epidural! Epi⁠— Sorry that's just for me]

It's not some old wives' tale
Or some unfortunate wisecrack
But you could use some extra weight
And I need to take a nine-month nap
And I've been good, I've been good
Now I deserve a small reward
Don't want my birthday suit
I want to wear my umbilical cords

[PAUL Spoken: You know, the ones with the jumbo flare with the spot of blood around the cuff?]

Mother dearest, mother mine
Look what the stork brought back
I don't want no damn bunk bed
I want my foetal sack
I was a sad and lonely child
I wish that you'd had twins
And if you can spare the room, Ma
I'd like to bring some friends

Mother dearest, mother mine
It's me your pookie bear
I don't want to hurt you
Or soil your underwear
'Cause you're my guru, my Ma
My host, my home, my mentor
We could have a three course meal
If we boil up the old placenta
[PAUL Spoken: Finger lickin' good, Ma!]