How TrumpSanta Saved X-mas for the Admins by Danielle Carr Lyrics
HOW TRUMPSANTA SAVED CHRISTMAS FOR THE ADMINS
NARRATOR: T’was the week after the union election, and all throughout Low
The Admins were grousing. They'd wished for a NO!
Alonso was slumped in a chair like a snail
His lies about HB1 visas had failed!
Coatsworth was checking his spring course enrollments
Nobody signed up. He needed condolence.
And Bollinger paced:
BOLLINGER
"What a horrible moment!
(with great bathos)All that I do, I do for the endowment!"
NARRATOR: Worst of all now, they thought
(ALL) Christmas is ravaged!
BOLLINGER: How will we afford all our opulent habits??
ALONSO: The workers are woke and they voted for power
And none of the lies that we told made them cower!
COATSWORTH: They routed my emails right into the trash!
They're acting like I am a pain in the ass!
BOLLINGER: Worse than that, now we have lost all our minions
I must be content with only being paid FIVE MILLION (is very clearly sad, pause for comic effect)… PER YEAR
ALONSO: I’m deep in denial. I just can’t believe
Our lies didn’t bring the workers to their knees!
COATSWORTH: I guess we’ll just have to give in with good grace
At this point, we’ve not even managed to save face…
BOLLINGER: (with a crazed, messianic premonition)
Not so fast, my dear admins! Are you really so weedy?
What happened to being rapacious and greedy??
Christmas ruined, we all see that clear…
Unless there is someone who can save our bad year????
Sound of jinglebells…. ENTER TRUMP SANTA!!!!!!
TRUMPSANTA:
HO, HO, HO! SAD! (this needs to be DRIPPING WITH HAM. AUDIENCE IS LED IN BOOING. Also, TRUMP doesn’t speak in verse. Think Alec Baldwin SNL impression.)
I hear there are some naughty little boys who have lost big league!
BOLLINGER, ALONSO, AND COATSWORTH: TRUMP SANTA, IS IT REALLY YOU???
TRUMPSANTA:
Yes, calm down, I’m finally here although it took forever because the polar ice cap where I keep my reindeer has melted into the sea.
Now, this is a very tragic situation and I go all over the country listening to bloated university administrators who ALL tell me the same thing: The workers are KILLING us!
How are we supposed to run this place like a real estate company- slash- investment firm if we have these people demanding democracy and fair working conditions? But I always tell them the same thing: Number one: What we’ve done to adjuncts, we can do to graduate students, and number two: Don’t touch my hair.
BOLLINGER:
(coyly) When you were elected, I know I got shirty
But maybe it won’t be so bad to get dirty!
The Columbia brand could withstand quite a scandal
Including us getting in bed with this vandal…
TRUMPSANTA:
Now, I know the year has been hard for you as you’ve had to appease your donors, and lie frantically to keep people in line. Believe me, I understand. But I’ve brought you boys a little something to lift your spirits after this defeat!
(BOLLINGER, COATSWORTH, AND ALONSO ALL RUB THEIR HANDS TOGETHER GREEDILY LIKE DICKENSIAN ORPHANS)
TRUMPSANTA: (assistant passes TRUMPSANTA the PROFITRON.)
Now, I call this baby the ProfiTron. It’s a beautiful machine, really a beautiful thing. There’s no better machine in the world than this, believe me! (THE ADMINS gather around in wonder)
Now, the way it works is this: You feed human beings into this opening, and then it processes them and turns them into money! (THE ADMINS start feeding people cutouts into the machine, which jizzes out money. They begin laughing with glee)
COATSWORTH:
TrumpSanta! You’ve saved us from the worker’s coalescence!
You’ve boiled our strategy down to its essence!
ALONSO:
Turn humans to profit! I’m full of rejoicing
This machine will help us with our worker-exploiting!
BOLLINGER: How can we thank you? TrumpSanta I swear
We’ll endow a TrumpSanta Faculty Chair!!!!
(THE ADMINS continue to joyously throw money around yelling with glee)
NARRATOR:
And so Christmas was saved for the admins at last….
WORKERS! Will you take it? Stand up and fight back!
EVERYONE IN THE AUDIENCE DESTROYS THE PROFITRON (WHICH IS MADE OF CARDBOARD) WHILE WE SING THE “ENDOWMENT JINGALING” SONG AGAIN
THE END
NARRATOR: T’was the week after the union election, and all throughout Low
The Admins were grousing. They'd wished for a NO!
Alonso was slumped in a chair like a snail
His lies about HB1 visas had failed!
Coatsworth was checking his spring course enrollments
Nobody signed up. He needed condolence.
And Bollinger paced:
BOLLINGER
"What a horrible moment!
(with great bathos)All that I do, I do for the endowment!"
NARRATOR: Worst of all now, they thought
(ALL) Christmas is ravaged!
BOLLINGER: How will we afford all our opulent habits??
ALONSO: The workers are woke and they voted for power
And none of the lies that we told made them cower!
COATSWORTH: They routed my emails right into the trash!
They're acting like I am a pain in the ass!
BOLLINGER: Worse than that, now we have lost all our minions
I must be content with only being paid FIVE MILLION (is very clearly sad, pause for comic effect)… PER YEAR
ALONSO: I’m deep in denial. I just can’t believe
Our lies didn’t bring the workers to their knees!
COATSWORTH: I guess we’ll just have to give in with good grace
At this point, we’ve not even managed to save face…
BOLLINGER: (with a crazed, messianic premonition)
Not so fast, my dear admins! Are you really so weedy?
What happened to being rapacious and greedy??
Christmas ruined, we all see that clear…
Unless there is someone who can save our bad year????
Sound of jinglebells…. ENTER TRUMP SANTA!!!!!!
TRUMPSANTA:
HO, HO, HO! SAD! (this needs to be DRIPPING WITH HAM. AUDIENCE IS LED IN BOOING. Also, TRUMP doesn’t speak in verse. Think Alec Baldwin SNL impression.)
I hear there are some naughty little boys who have lost big league!
BOLLINGER, ALONSO, AND COATSWORTH: TRUMP SANTA, IS IT REALLY YOU???
TRUMPSANTA:
Yes, calm down, I’m finally here although it took forever because the polar ice cap where I keep my reindeer has melted into the sea.
Now, this is a very tragic situation and I go all over the country listening to bloated university administrators who ALL tell me the same thing: The workers are KILLING us!
How are we supposed to run this place like a real estate company- slash- investment firm if we have these people demanding democracy and fair working conditions? But I always tell them the same thing: Number one: What we’ve done to adjuncts, we can do to graduate students, and number two: Don’t touch my hair.
BOLLINGER:
(coyly) When you were elected, I know I got shirty
But maybe it won’t be so bad to get dirty!
The Columbia brand could withstand quite a scandal
Including us getting in bed with this vandal…
TRUMPSANTA:
Now, I know the year has been hard for you as you’ve had to appease your donors, and lie frantically to keep people in line. Believe me, I understand. But I’ve brought you boys a little something to lift your spirits after this defeat!
(BOLLINGER, COATSWORTH, AND ALONSO ALL RUB THEIR HANDS TOGETHER GREEDILY LIKE DICKENSIAN ORPHANS)
TRUMPSANTA: (assistant passes TRUMPSANTA the PROFITRON.)
Now, I call this baby the ProfiTron. It’s a beautiful machine, really a beautiful thing. There’s no better machine in the world than this, believe me! (THE ADMINS gather around in wonder)
Now, the way it works is this: You feed human beings into this opening, and then it processes them and turns them into money! (THE ADMINS start feeding people cutouts into the machine, which jizzes out money. They begin laughing with glee)
COATSWORTH:
TrumpSanta! You’ve saved us from the worker’s coalescence!
You’ve boiled our strategy down to its essence!
ALONSO:
Turn humans to profit! I’m full of rejoicing
This machine will help us with our worker-exploiting!
BOLLINGER: How can we thank you? TrumpSanta I swear
We’ll endow a TrumpSanta Faculty Chair!!!!
(THE ADMINS continue to joyously throw money around yelling with glee)
NARRATOR:
And so Christmas was saved for the admins at last….
WORKERS! Will you take it? Stand up and fight back!
EVERYONE IN THE AUDIENCE DESTROYS THE PROFITRON (WHICH IS MADE OF CARDBOARD) WHILE WE SING THE “ENDOWMENT JINGALING” SONG AGAIN
THE END