Putting On The Dish by Brian and Karl Lyrics
MAUREEN
I've read that.
It's all gobbledygook. Ending's naff too.
Got three drags and a spit, doll?
You from round here then?
ROBERTA
More or less.
MAUREEN
Eine's the place to be. (A beat) Ooh bona batts. What size are your plates then?
ROBERTA
Ten I think.
MAUREEN
(cheeky)
What about your luppers? They size ten too?
ROBERTA snorts.
MAUREEN
Bet you'd play the strillers real bona.
ROBERTA
This your usual spot then?
MAUREEN
How do you mean?
ROBERTA
I've got your number ducky.
MAUREEN
Where's your flowery then?
ROBERTA
Clitterhouse Road.
MAUREEN
Oh I've a bencove up that way. Pauline.
ROBERTA
Pauline Marsh?
MAUREEN
That's the one. Can't swing a cat but hit a cove.
ROBERTA
How is Pauline?
MAUREEN
She's had nanti bully fake. Dyed her riah, her ends are a real mess.
ROBERTA
Nanti bona. I hope she vaggeried straight to the crimper.
MAUREEN
Well that's where she'd just been. The palone tried to give her an Irish. Moultee palaver. Pauline told her to shove her shyckle up her khyber.
ROBERTA
Oh she didn't say that.
MAUREEN
Mais oui ducky, oui. In your actual English.
ROBERTA
She's all wind and piss Pauline. Is she still with Phyllis then?
MAUREEN
Oh no. Haven't you heard?
(slides over)
She's been a real bonaroba. Blowing the groundsels, ling grappling dilly boys, trolling the backslums. She had to be Battersea'd twice last month.
ROBERTA (shocked)
She didn't.
MAUREEN
Pauline's a stretcher case. Trolled in one nochy to varda Phyllis plating some schinwars she'd blagged in the brandy latch.
ROBERTA
(deadpan)
Dish the dirt!
MAUREEN
Oh it's all over grumble for Pauline. Nanti dinarlee, up to her elbow in the national handbag and she'd only just gone in for a remould. They had to refake her entire basket.
ROBERTA
(distracted)
Speaking of baskets.
MAUREEN
Oh Gloria. That'd stretch your corybungus.
ROBERTA
Fortuni.
MAUREEN
Mind you it's the dolly ones that disappoint.
ROBERTA
Mmm.
MAUREEN
I was seeing this HP from Sheffield once. Plates the size of bowling pins, I thought I was in for a real bona charvering.
ROBERTA
Nada to varda in the larder?
MAUREEN
Oh, bijou. 'You needn't put the brandy on for that,' I said when I saw it. Mind you, she was heavy on the letch water. I had to use the Daz to get her Maria out my libbage.
ROBERTA
Oh, vile.
(beat)
What about her? Do you think she's so?
MAUREEN
What, her? Oh she's in the life.
ROBERTA
You think so?
MAUREEN
Ooh yeah. Just vada her mish. Mauve. Moultee mauve. Not to mention her farting crackers.
ROBERTA
I'd clean his kitchen, I would. Has she always been that way then, Phyllis?
MAUREEN
She's a walking meat rack. Real fantabulosa bit of hard. We used to act dicky together at the croaker's chovey. Noshed me off once while I was giving a fungus his drabs.
ROBERTA
That's skill, that.
MAUREEN
Oh she used to do it all the time. When we were at the exchange together she'd one lill on my colin and the other on the switch. She didn't even get off the palare pipe.
(Beat)
Sad to think of her in the queer ken really.
ROBERTA
What do you mean?
MAUREEN
Well she'd a run in with the lily law, didn't she?
ROBERTA
Oh dear.
MAUREEN
Sharpie flashed his cartso in the carsey.
ROBERTA
(Finding it increasingly amusing)
I hope she kept her ogles front.
MAUREEN
Well she's got amblyopia, hasn't she? She can practically only vada sideways.
ROBERTA
What did the beak say?
MAUREEN
He was ever so harsh. Asked if she was sorry.
ROBERTA
Was she?
MAUREEN
Only that it wasn't worth the look she got.
I suppose we'll all end up in the charpering carsey soon.
Nearly got nabbed myself the other week. I'd just finished plating a chicken in that cottage ajax Clackett Lane, you know the one. Meesest eek I've ever seen but what a cartso. I'm mincing outside wiping my screech when who do I bump into but one of your orderly daughters. "There's a pouf" in there I said. Nabbed her with her kaffies down I spose. She'd have never vardered it coming. Must have been a right fericadooza. Sharda.
ROBERTA
You're disgusting.
MAUREEN
What?
Oh go on. Put your fakements in your little shush bag. Off you scarper.
ROBERTA leaves.
MAUREEN
(holding up his book)
You forgot your glossy.
ROBERTA stops, turns, looks. After a beat he storms back. He snatches his book but MAUREEN holds on to it. Their eyes are locked.
MAUREEN
They cure him in the end.
I've read that.
It's all gobbledygook. Ending's naff too.
Got three drags and a spit, doll?
You from round here then?
ROBERTA
More or less.
MAUREEN
Eine's the place to be. (A beat) Ooh bona batts. What size are your plates then?
ROBERTA
Ten I think.
MAUREEN
(cheeky)
What about your luppers? They size ten too?
ROBERTA snorts.
MAUREEN
Bet you'd play the strillers real bona.
ROBERTA
This your usual spot then?
MAUREEN
How do you mean?
ROBERTA
I've got your number ducky.
MAUREEN
Where's your flowery then?
ROBERTA
Clitterhouse Road.
MAUREEN
Oh I've a bencove up that way. Pauline.
ROBERTA
Pauline Marsh?
MAUREEN
That's the one. Can't swing a cat but hit a cove.
ROBERTA
How is Pauline?
MAUREEN
She's had nanti bully fake. Dyed her riah, her ends are a real mess.
ROBERTA
Nanti bona. I hope she vaggeried straight to the crimper.
MAUREEN
Well that's where she'd just been. The palone tried to give her an Irish. Moultee palaver. Pauline told her to shove her shyckle up her khyber.
ROBERTA
Oh she didn't say that.
MAUREEN
Mais oui ducky, oui. In your actual English.
ROBERTA
She's all wind and piss Pauline. Is she still with Phyllis then?
MAUREEN
Oh no. Haven't you heard?
(slides over)
She's been a real bonaroba. Blowing the groundsels, ling grappling dilly boys, trolling the backslums. She had to be Battersea'd twice last month.
ROBERTA (shocked)
She didn't.
MAUREEN
Pauline's a stretcher case. Trolled in one nochy to varda Phyllis plating some schinwars she'd blagged in the brandy latch.
ROBERTA
(deadpan)
Dish the dirt!
MAUREEN
Oh it's all over grumble for Pauline. Nanti dinarlee, up to her elbow in the national handbag and she'd only just gone in for a remould. They had to refake her entire basket.
ROBERTA
(distracted)
Speaking of baskets.
MAUREEN
Oh Gloria. That'd stretch your corybungus.
ROBERTA
Fortuni.
MAUREEN
Mind you it's the dolly ones that disappoint.
ROBERTA
Mmm.
MAUREEN
I was seeing this HP from Sheffield once. Plates the size of bowling pins, I thought I was in for a real bona charvering.
ROBERTA
Nada to varda in the larder?
MAUREEN
Oh, bijou. 'You needn't put the brandy on for that,' I said when I saw it. Mind you, she was heavy on the letch water. I had to use the Daz to get her Maria out my libbage.
ROBERTA
Oh, vile.
(beat)
What about her? Do you think she's so?
MAUREEN
What, her? Oh she's in the life.
ROBERTA
You think so?
MAUREEN
Ooh yeah. Just vada her mish. Mauve. Moultee mauve. Not to mention her farting crackers.
ROBERTA
I'd clean his kitchen, I would. Has she always been that way then, Phyllis?
MAUREEN
She's a walking meat rack. Real fantabulosa bit of hard. We used to act dicky together at the croaker's chovey. Noshed me off once while I was giving a fungus his drabs.
ROBERTA
That's skill, that.
MAUREEN
Oh she used to do it all the time. When we were at the exchange together she'd one lill on my colin and the other on the switch. She didn't even get off the palare pipe.
(Beat)
Sad to think of her in the queer ken really.
ROBERTA
What do you mean?
MAUREEN
Well she'd a run in with the lily law, didn't she?
ROBERTA
Oh dear.
MAUREEN
Sharpie flashed his cartso in the carsey.
ROBERTA
(Finding it increasingly amusing)
I hope she kept her ogles front.
MAUREEN
Well she's got amblyopia, hasn't she? She can practically only vada sideways.
ROBERTA
What did the beak say?
MAUREEN
He was ever so harsh. Asked if she was sorry.
ROBERTA
Was she?
MAUREEN
Only that it wasn't worth the look she got.
I suppose we'll all end up in the charpering carsey soon.
Nearly got nabbed myself the other week. I'd just finished plating a chicken in that cottage ajax Clackett Lane, you know the one. Meesest eek I've ever seen but what a cartso. I'm mincing outside wiping my screech when who do I bump into but one of your orderly daughters. "There's a pouf" in there I said. Nabbed her with her kaffies down I spose. She'd have never vardered it coming. Must have been a right fericadooza. Sharda.
ROBERTA
You're disgusting.
MAUREEN
What?
Oh go on. Put your fakements in your little shush bag. Off you scarper.
ROBERTA leaves.
MAUREEN
(holding up his book)
You forgot your glossy.
ROBERTA stops, turns, looks. After a beat he storms back. He snatches his book but MAUREEN holds on to it. Their eyes are locked.
MAUREEN
They cure him in the end.