Girlfriend by Anthony Jeselnik Lyrics

My girlfriend now is great. My girlfriend now is almost perfect. And she hates that I tell rape jokes, she hates it. Says anthony how can you make light of something as terrible as rape, after I told you that I got raped in high school? And I said baby because I don’t believe you. The point is my girlfriend is very sexy, like the other day she got her haircut, two inches trimmed off her hair, then she came home cried for two hours. Over a haircut, I couldn’t believe it, Finally I went to her and I said baby what are you so upset about it, it’s just a haircut I’m the one who has to find a new girlfriend. Yeah she got mad. She got really mad at me. She got really mad at me a few months ago because she had emailed me a naked picture of herself, but then I screwed up, and I accidentally forwarded it to everyone, now my girlfriend is furious, omritified, disguised with me over this. Now I don't even care anymore because I have to call up my mother. And say mom, I am so sorry, that picture that email, was just for dad. My girlfriend and I fight a lot, everytime we fight it’s always my fault, I should just keep my mouth shut. But I can’t. Beacuse I”m so fucking funny. Like a couple of nights ago, we went to a party, completely wasted, and woke up in bed the next morning completely hung over. And I know i should just kepe my mouth shut, but instead I roll over and say “listne baby, don’t get mad but I think your mom tried ot have sex with me last night,” and she hits the roof “she says Anthony that’s impossible’ and I say, Well in that case you should always wear makeup. I love that joke so much. Here’s why. Did you guys hear the sounds you made like that was the worst thing I’ve said tonight? I’ve told three rape jokes. I like to play pranks on my girlfriend. Keep things fresh for me, make me laugh. She hates it. But like the other night I put seran wrap over the toilet seat, which doesn't sound that original, but she’s bulimic. But we make it work, ya know, like, how long have you guys been together, three years okay. What I would say is the secret to a good long relationship. Communication! Wrong! The secret is trying new things together, especially in the bedroom. Like the other night, my girlfriend and I are in the bedroom together, she goes Anthony, I want you to pee on me. Now i have never thought about peeing on a woman in my entire life, never even imagined it. But then I got the green light. And apparently it’s my thing. Like I just jumped up right away. But as soon as that begins she starts screaming at me. LIke it’s my fault that she talks in her sleep. No big deal for me, my girlfriend yells at me all the time, all the time, and again i’m a gentleman, I never it’s okay to yell back at a woman no matter what. But the other night she yelled at me for so long and so loud that the cops came out the door, because now I have to answer my door and say, officers, I’m sorry there is no reason for you to be here tonight, I already taser her. I’ve got this friend named Kevin. I call him a friend, more of an acquaintance really, one of those people who think they’re way better friends with you than they really are. LIke the other day kevin says to me, says “hey man, you know what I like it when no one else is around,” and before I can say hey, we’re not really friends. He says, I like to take peanut butter and smear it all over myself and let my dog lick it off. I said dude, you have to get yourself a girlfriend-- trade you mine for that dog